Mommy's 85 birthday, daily crossword puzzles and our Nanay (grandmother Flavia)...

Daily Crossword Puzzles from the Pasadena Star

October 6, 2017 was Mommy's 85th birthday and she is sorely missed. My sister, Lalay and I were just messaging earlier on that day that we were missing her very much. Once a parent or parents  are gone from this world, the empty space in our hearts will never ever get filled up again. We started life from a mother and got nurtured first by her. Blessed are those like us that grew up with both a mother and a father. And it is no big wonder that losing your mother is something that gnaws and make our hearts ache because we are missing and longing for our Mom. 

Mommy's daily ritual in the mornings when she was still alive was reading her prayer books, playing solitaire and doing crossword puzzles. After she died, I got hooked and made it a point to do a crossword puzzle everyday and if I finish and fill it up completely, I dedicate it to her as she would have been happy I was able to finish the crossword puzzle like her.

During Mom's own last few years in her life, she kept on talking about her own mother, who we all called "Nanay". Flavia Suson-Muana, our grandmother, was a pioneering librarian who helped get Cebu its first library in 1937, the Rizal Memorial Library and Museum. 

History & Story of Rizal Library

The library commenced its construction in 1937 and got inaugurated on December 30, 1938. Its story began when a pioneer librarian, Flavia Suson-Muana, sought the help of Teodoro M. Kalaw, the director of the National Library, who then spoke to Nolasco - a Cebu Councilor & Project Chairperson of Cebu Carnival - regarding a Cebu City library.Through their efforts, to make the story short, Juan Arellano - the architect who was credited for the creation of the Palladian Cebu Capitol Building - has been picked to start the project.During the Second World War, the library was closed down. Instead, it has been used as headquarter by the Japanese army. Unfortunately, many of the book collections were lost, stolen and probably destroyed during the war. However, due to the public demand, the library was again made accessible only in 1953. The provincial government itself appropriated a budget to keep and maintain the library collections and for other operation expenditures.The eventual creation of the library's museum did not start in 1990, as set up on the third floor.

The structure is named after the Philippines’s national hero, Jose Rizal, who fought for freedom through his writings during the Spanish colonial period. The museum was opened to the public on March 16, 1992. The building has undergone renovation in the recent years. The edifice has its inherent charm and magnetism, as its pre-war, neo-classical look stands out amidst the business establishments, restaurants, parlors and convenience stores that line the area.

The city public library is located at the ground level of the building, which keeps important and rare books on Cebu’s history and culture. The museum houses a collection of antiques, sculptures, furniture and woodcarvings donated by prominent Cebuano families. There are also several important archeological finds. As one strolls around the museum, one can find portraits of well-known Cebuano figures, floral and landscape artwork, and murals.
One can also marvel at the paintings and sculptures created by the finest artists of Cebu. The paintings illustrate authentic Cebuano customs and costumes, and give an idea of Cebu’s lifestyle during the 1500’s up to the Japanese occupation in the 1940’s. A spacious and elegant hall with stained glass windows occupies the third level. It is sometimes utilized as a performing arts hall for concerts and theater performances by Cebuano talents.

Who do you get your strength from?

People who know me well enough know that I can get hooked on watching TV series till the last episodes of each season or Pinoy teleseryes (Filipino television drama series) with mushy and dramatic stories. So it is no wonder that while watching one of my favorite teleseryes, I got stuck by a simple one-liner question gleaned from one of the episodes..."who do you get your strength from?" The lead actor and his family were going through a crisis and this lead actor emphasized that he was getting his strength to cope from his fiance (the lead actress).
Like all crises in our lives we weather and get through them with a combination of our own self fortitude and inner strength and of course from the support of our family and loved ones. And the one-liner question I asked myself was ...who do you get I get my strength from? And that is the person who has been the wind behind my wings since I was born....

Ohhhh, oh, oh, oh, ohhh.
It must have been cold there in my shadow,
To never have sunlight on your face.
You were content to let me shine, that's your way.
You always walked a step behind.
So I was the one with all the glory,
While you were the one with all the strength.

A beautiful face without a name for so long.
A beautiful smile to hide the pain.
Did you ever know that you're my hero,
And everything I would like to be?

I can fly higher than an eagle,
For you are the wind beneath my wings.
It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
But I've got it all here in my heart.

I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.
I would be nothing without you.

Did you ever know that you're my hero?
You're everything I wish I could be.
https://youtu.be/jorJh8DTMVM

Whenever I hear this Bette Midler song, it always takes me to my childhood days and how I was a total Daddy's girl and could not live a day without Daddy around. I remember crying myself to sleep when I thought of one day, Daddy dying and not being there for me anymore. It is funny to recall now how I created my own nightmare in my own head before I went to bed that I would lose Daddy. Such childhood and childish foolishness.

My Dad has always been my hero. I know that I get my strength from him and learned to handle and live life like him. He and Mom too are the sum total of who and what shaped me to be the person I am now. For that I am forever grateful to have such great and wonderful parents and am blessed to have been raised by these two special people. Mom is gone now but Dad is still with us, still living a meaningful 84 years made out from the unconditional love he has in his heart for all his loved ones; hard grit and hard experiences throughout his life, starting from his unhappy but very private childhood; to back breaking and tough jobs to support his kids, silent tears and internal unspoken heart breaks for when he sees his kids go through tough times and are in pain or in trouble. He has been through his own personal challenges both as a son, husband, father and grandfather. 

He is now 84, still hale and hearty, healthwise... but now drifts between remembering and forgetting people, events, memories and having a conversation with him now requires a lot of patience. He was someone who you could talk to about anything and everything under the sun. He used to read 5-6 newspapers a day, read books and Time magazine daily. He was a walking encyclopedia and always had an answer to every question. It was a marvel for someone new to meet and talk to Dad because he was a fascinating conversationalist who always had something interesting to say but at the same time was a keen and avid listener to the person he was in conversation with.  

I talk in the past tense with regards to some of Dad's attributes because he is now is in the twilight of his years and though is thankfully still healthy for his age, he has slowed down a lot and we all know that his time up on this earth is nearing.  While he is still with us, he will always be my angel without wings. But Dad was no saint and he had his own share of bad decisions. Who doesn't? But no matter the bad decisions Dad has made in his life and the consequences he is living in from those bad decisions, and even if he is not the strong, decisive person he was before old age faded all that, he will always be my hero and he will always be the wind beneath my wings. I would not have earned my wings, learned to fly and soar high if he was not beneath my wings to help, support, care and love me unconditionally as my father.

No rhyme or reason and questions without answers .....But life goes on to Mom's 4th death anniversary and my warrior son turning 28

I did this blog below "No Rhyme or reason..." 3 years ago but did not post it. So you will see a 3 year old unpublished blog that I just attached to this new blog.

Yesterday, April 30th was Mom's 4th death anniversary...it has been 4 years ago since Mom left this earthly world.

And yesterday morning while remembering the significance of yesterday's date, it just felt so fresh and still so raw like it was just the night before that she died in her sleep. It has been said that there are only 2 things that are constant in life; death and taxes. But I would add grief as the 3rd constant. The feeling of grief encompasses the unending sad heartache of loss and missing a loved one. It never gets old in the sense that the feeling of sadness and grief over not having your loved one around will always be with us and in our hearts till our deathbed. Time makes it easier but the waves of pain and longing can come and go strongly or as softly as they please. And Mom's 4th death anniversary was something that a bigger wave washed over me. I miss my Mom so much that my heart aches.

And May 21 is coming up too for Kibs 5th death anniversary. That is another tidal wave to muster and get through. April, May and July....these months are not really fans for my heart's health, with the exception of May 13th and Mother's Day because Anton was born on the week when Mother's Day falls upon. So every year, I might go through the usual grieving period for Mom's and Kibs' death anniversaries on April and May....but the one bright, shinning blessing in my life picked May 13th to be born. That to me is a constant too and Anton will forever be my greatest blessing and endless source of happiness.....and he is turning 28 this year! :) His birthday every year is my Mother's Day gift every year. So Advanced Happy Mother's Day to all blessed, loving and thankful Mothers like me!!!
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Late post - written in May 2014

April 30, 2014 came and went...it was a year  ago to that day when Mom had passed away. How time flies and it is a year since Mommy's death. And It will be 2 years on May 21st  since Kibs has been gone too . And every day, I miss them both a lot and always look up to the sky and talk to the both of them.

When Mommy was still alive, I seldom went home for lunch even if it was only a 3 minute drive from work. I figured she wanted her space from me and I also wanted my space from her since we were together most hours of the day when I am not at work, especially on weekends. A breather from each other, so to speak...And  it was not always easy being a care-giver taking care of Mom but Mom knew how much she was loved and cared for, not only by me but also by her other 2 daughters even if both of them were far away. And Mom had such a very patient, loving and super caring care-giver in Fe Labra which was our family's blessing,  and was good company at home for Mom while I was at work. So at that time, during workdays I spend more time out of the house if I got the chance while Fe was watching Mom at home. But now that Mommy is gone, I have been going home for lunch almost every day because I miss Mommy so much. I miss her quiet and serene presence at home sitting in her wheelchair, reading her prayer books or answering her crosswords or just watching her I Love Lucy reruns on TV.  And I guess this is how I am still grieving for Mom's passing... still imagining and seeing her at home doing her usual daily routines. But I know and feel how much Mom is now so happy and so at peace up there in heaven. She is finally home.

But the family challenges have not ended and it has been a tough 2013 with Anton's sudden medical crisis after Mom's death. I feel I have been to hell and back and then hell again! And so here comes in the title of this blog...no rhyme or reason and a question without an answer. I asked God, WHY ANTON????? My sweet, kind, smiling, big-hearted, loving, affectionate, amiable 24 year old son who was just living his life as normally as a 24 year old would....striving well to do well in college with the goal of graduating in 2 years time with a B.S. Computer Engineering degree, enjoying life and in love with the first serious girlfriend he had and just going about his daily life in Cebu. But just overnight on July 7, 2013, he got struck down with a spinal cord injury (SCI)! Why Anton???? And up to now, that is a question that has no answer....not for me, or for Anton or for the family. Thankfully he has survived the worst part of his medical crisis and is now on the road to recovery though it will take awhile for him to be back to normal. His father and I are just thankful that our son is still with us and is fighting and staying positive through all these.

And  May 13, 2014, my son turns 25! I could vividly remember that sunny day in 1989 when I gave birth to Anton at 10:30 am in Cebu Doctor's Hospital.  I was in labor for 2 days before he decided to come out into the world on May 13, 1989.  With Anton being paralyzed and immobile now, I am amazed at his positive attitude and his perseverance to get well. I call him my "warrior son" as he has been through a "big battle" in his life and handling it so well. He still has his "battle wounds/scars" so to speak but he is healing well and continue to improve, both in body and spirit. It will take a long time though before he fully recovers but just as long as everyday is a good day with progress, no matter how small, I am positive my warrior son will overcome all these.

With Anton's recent crisis, I personally felt and also saw the deepest and intense spirit of a parents' unconditional love for his/her child. As a parent, you would do anything without condition for your child's life....there are no if's and but's! Anton is an only child and both a Mama's boy and a Papa's boy but glad to say that  he is not a spoiled only child.  One thing that Bimboy and I have always been in agreement with was our deep and unconditional love for our son.  But as mother, there are no words to describe the heart wrenching despair of knowing your child is suffering. And all those early months when Anton's condition was critical and uncertain, my family and friends and friends of friends all came together to offer support and prayers and good healing thoughts for Anton's recovery.................
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Hi Kibs!

Hi Kibs! Today is your  3rd death anniversay. You left us so suddenly on that 21st of May 2012 early in the morning. It was a Monday morning there on May 21st and it was Sunday afternoon here in the US (May 20). I still remember that day vividly. And being thousand of miles away from you, I was still able to say goodbye to you over the phone before you passed and though I knew you could not answer me back anymore, I know you heard my last words to you. And now it has been 3 years since you are gone. Life has not been the same for us your sisters and Daddy too after your passing. And I am sure our cousins and your friends also miss you and your presence in their lives. And my world is one less smile everyday because you are not around anymore.

So today, to assuage my sadness of remembering you, I am writing you a letter like we are just talking face to face.  How I wish we still had our regular conversations like before. 

Dearest brother Kibs, I miss you everyday of my life just as I miss Mommy too. I am sure the both of you are happy and at peace now there in Heaven. I know that the both of you watch over me and the rest of the family everyday. But 3 years has passed and it still seems like only yesterday that you died. When I was told that you had stage 4 pancreatic cancer, I could not believe it! And just a month after that diagnosis, you were gone. I was told that it was good I was not there to see you in the last 2 weeks of your disease as I would not be able to handle seeing you in great pain and suffering. But no matter, I still wished I was there to be with you during your last few weeks of your life.

If you were still here today, I know I would have had such a comforting confidante to talk to and listen and understand me. I could always talk to you and you would listen and not impose your own opinions and views but instead would offer comforting advice to me. You were the genius in the family and your brain was like an encyclopedia and so it was natural for you to love conversations and discussions with just about any person you were in front of. I am not intellectual as you and do not have any brilliant mind but when you and I were in a conversation, you always made it a point to hear me out and listen intently to what I have to say like I was the brilliant one between us. You always put value on the person you are with and always showed your respect by acknowledging his/her space and his/her opinions.  You listened to people and not just heard them for the sake of hearing. And even if I am younger than you, you always showed me respect like I was the older one, especially with family decisions. You may have been pain in the head for the family during your younger years and you indeed acted like the whole world revolved around your genius self then. But as we all got older, matured into adulthood, pursued careers, had families and eased into mid-life, you eventually mellowed and calmed down and tried to be the loving brother we sisters did not experience when we were younger.  

And so I miss the loving brother you were to me. I miss your smiling self, I miss your no-miss email greetings on all holidays and occasions, I miss the sight of your skippy step,I miss the various conversations we had about your sons (who by the way have grown up to become such kind, responsible admirable young men - they both make us all proud!), I miss all your chismis and insider details on juicy family stories or events, I miss reading your detailed, comprehensive and astute project studies, I miss the image of seeing you seated anywhere reading your book with beer and peanuts on hand....and so much more.... I still feel sad at the memory of you and still wished you were still here with us.

The family has become incomplete without you around anymore. But life does go on and so I remember you today, still with sadness and grief in my heart, but also with much love, joy and gratefulness for the memories you left behind. I know you want me to remember you with smiles and not tears and I always try my best to do that. One day, we will meet again...but for now you live in our hearts and I know you are with me everyday... in the morning sun that rises, in the chirping of the birds, in the clear blue skies up above, in the breeze of the wind, in the beautiful sunsets and even in the night.

Watch over us Kibs, give Mommy a kiss and my love and especially watch over Anton and help him recover and walk again. I love you forever my brother and I  miss you forever too!

Happy 58th Birthday!

Kibs would have been 58 years old today, October 27, 2014.  If he was still here with us, our normal routine would be my sending my greetings through email and he would answer back and we would be catching up on each other's lives with some chismis on the side on whatever was juicy news in Cebu.

It is indeed so ironic that in our lives, we take so much for granted... especially family.
Not because we do not care for them or cherish them but because we always think we would always have them in our lives and be with them. And I am one who always thought Kibs would always be around even if we both lived in different continents. I even assumed that I would take care of him when he was old and gray. But those were the things I assumed and thought would happen in our lives and yes took for granted...only to be bereft of Kibs when he passed away on May 2012.

My brother and I were not close as siblings when we were younger. He was the shining star of the family the day he was born and as the first born, naturally acquired the propensity of wanting to be in the spotlight always and act like a mini-adult. And because he had a genius IQ, all the more he thought the world revolved around him. :) So it was more 2 separate worlds we revolved around as children, his own world and the 3 younger sisters' space.

He was not a mean older brother but more of an indifferent brother was how we saw him when we were kids. So naturally, I cannot recall any bonding moments with my brother when I was younger. What irony to now recall all that and compare it to the times Kibs and I spent together the few years before he died. Kibs and I spent a few months together in 2008 here in the US when he came for a visit and vacation. And then he came back again in 2009 when he came to help me care for Mom. Those were the times that we finally connected as siblings and call it maturity and getting older and mellower (both from our sides), but I truly saw and appreciated how a loving and caring brother and older sibling he was after all.... and more so, he was a selfless loving son who took care of Mom in the hospital for 3 months. 

We did not bond much when we were kids but those times he spent with me and Mom here in the U.S. in 2008 and 2009 made up for a million years of bonding as brother and sister....and that is why I will grieve and miss my brother for a million years too.... till the day when we meet again up there too.

Every morning when I wake up, I hear this bird chirping outside in the garden and I imagine the chirping bird is saying "Pinks, Pinks". I imagine Kibs calling out to me and giving me a good start to my day. I still hear Kibs voice in my head and still see his skippy walk when I think of him. I talk to him constantly and even if he is not here anymore, I know he has been watching over the family and has been my daily source of strength and hope in the midst of all the family challenges that have come my family's way after his death.

Today would have been his 58th birthday...and though he is not with us anymore, today definitely is a significant day for the family when Kibs was born 58 years ago....a special day for a special person. Happy Birthday in heaven Kibs! 

"When Tomorrow Starts Without Me.."

Today, May 21, 2014 marks the 2nd year Kibs has been gone from our lives. Ironically it both seems so long ago in time but still so fresh in feeling the loss. Not a day goes by when I do not think of my brother and tell him out loud I miss him...and that I wish he was still here with us. I guess up to now it is still hard for me to accept that he was taken away so early and his earthly vibrant life snuffed out so easily. And today marks another year for me to rewind again all these...the mind accepts but the heart that misses him will always grieve and hurt no matter what....

Our last picture together - 2009

I came across this wonderful poem.... and even if all my tomorrows start without him anymore,  Kibs will always be right here - in my Heart.  



"When Tomorrow Starts Without Me...."

When tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not there to see.
If the sun should rise and find your eyes, all filled with tears for me.
I wish so much you wouldn't cry, the way you did today, 

While thinking of the many things we never got to say.
I know how much you love me, as much as I love you..
And each time that you think of me, I know you'll miss me too.. 

But when tomorrow starts without me, Please try to understand..
An angel came and called my name and took me by the hand,
It seemed my place was ready - In Heaven far above,
and that I'd have to leave behind, those things I dearly love..

But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye.
For all of life, I'd always thought, I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for, so much yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible, that I was leaving you..
I thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad..
I thought of all the love we shared, and how much fun we had..
If I could relive yesterday, just even for a while,
I'd say goodbye, then kiss you ‘til I saw that special smile..
But then I fully realized, that it could never be,
'Cause emptiness and memories, would take the place of me.

And when I thought of all those things, I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was filled with sorrow. .
But when I walked through Heaven's gates, I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me, From his great & golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity, and all I've promised you.

Today your life on Earth is past, but here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last,
and since each day is the same day, there's no longing for the past. .
But you have been so faithful, so trusting and so true,
Though there were some times you did some things you shouldn't do. .
But you have been forgiven, and now at last you're free,
So come and take me by the hand, and share my life with me.." 

So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart, 
for every time you think of me, I'll be right there - in your Heart.. 

Anton is HOME!!! :)

After 104  days in Chong Hua (3 months and 14 days), Anton finally is back home in Mactan and now sleeping in his own bed. He was so happy to be home and cried tears of joy! My warrior son has been through such an ordeal the past 3 months but he has been so brave through it all. The road to his recovery has been slow though positive and though it will still be a long road to full recovery, the best thing is that he has improved so much since that harrowing day in July 7, 2013. That day is now a bad dream and memory and with Anton back home, there is so much hope and light/"kahayag" that he will now continue on to getting better and back to good health.

I cannot put into words how what happened to Anton has affected me so deeply. First it was Kibs sudden illness and subsequent death last year, followed by Tita Nora's passing in November and then Mom's passing in April 30 this year. Your heart breaks and grieves for a love one's passing and of course the death of a loved one is not an easy experience at all. So while the family was still reeling from the 3 deaths in the family in a span of 1 year, we were struck and blindsided shockingly with Anton's medical crisis. And having your only child struck down so suddenly overnight with an unexpected medical emergency and on the brink of death was the ultimate knee-breaker that makes you fall down to the ground and crumble in despair with your heart breaking to a thousand little pieces!!!

You raise your child starting from your womb and take care of them and protect them the best way you can - as all mothers do. And you always wish that they are  happy, healthy and safe all the time. But you cannot protect them all the time and when they are grown, they have to start to experience life on their own. In short, a parent needs to step aside "and let life happen" for them.  But I didn't think in my wildest dreams that this was what "life" had in store for my child! What a big and daunting challenge from life for my young 24 year old son! Before, I was worried about Anton's tonsilitis or  ingrown toe nail infection recurring and other little mother-son worries, only to be slapped in the face to the reality that those were just microscopic worries compared to... getting the sudden and unexpected news that he had blood clot in his cervical spine the size of a sausage that was compressing on his spine and endangering his life! The doctors' initial prognosis was very pessimistic then that Anton would be on a breathing respirator the rest of his life and he would not be able to walk again. Any parent would react and feel the same heart-wrenching despair I and Bimboy felt, same with my sisters and relatives and friends. I am thankful that Tita Nora and Mommy are not around anymore to know this has happened to their favorite apo as they would not be able to take it. And the initial dire prognosis from the doctors was just that...initial...as Anton has come out of this and survived and now is progressing well. My warrior child...fighting on! :)

Thankfully I am able to handle all these and am still standing strong and sane till now. The wind has been strongly knocked out of me and has pulled me down mercilessly but I refuse to stay down for long. I thank my family genes of internal strength and having the control of not breaking down and breaking apart. Of course, practice makes perfect and I have had a lot of practice in the life's-trials-and-challenges" department. In fact, cheesy as it sounds but like Whitney Houston's song says, "I was not built to break, no, no...I got to know my own strength". 
And I have never been one for self-pity but when someone tells me to my face while I am really down, worried and despairing for my only son who is in pain and suffering that "there is nothing cruel in my life now", that just takes the wind out of me some more! Only someone who is not a parent could say that. Because when you are a parent, your world revolves around your children and not only on your own self. How can it not be cruel to know your child is sick and ailing and I cannot be there for him. No one has the right to diminish and consequently disrespect a mother's anguish for her suffering child!!! No one! :(

Other than that one negative thing, I and Bimboy and the family are so grateful and so ever thankful for all the prayers, love, concern, moral and financial support for Anton all through these 3 roller coaster months! 

Like I mentioned he still has a long way to go before he can be mobile and walking again but lots of good vibes abound and a positive energizing spirit surges through all our veins especially inside Anton that he will come out of this and get back to good health and a normal life again. He is my warrior child ... so brave and so strong and he is the "best poem, the masterpiece and shining star in my life". For that I am BLESSED!

Happy Birthday Mommy!

It was Mommy's 81st birthday yesterday - October 6, 2013 and she is spending it now in heaven. My sisters and I miss her so....5 months and 6 days since she passed away. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her and remember her vividly..all the memories and moments. I miss her so! :( The house in Pasadena has turned so quiet and lonely now without Mom around.

But Mom is gone now and I am sure quite happy and at peace now, especially since she has Lolo and Nanay, Tito Boy and Kiboy all around her now.

Happy Birthday Mommy!!!! I love you and miss you....

She is Gone... a poem by David Hawkins

You can shed tears that she is gone,
Or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all she’s left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her,
Or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
Be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she’d want:
Smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

When Life has you feeling Down, Keep these Words in Mind...

Beam me up please?

Just when the waves have ebbed a bit for my brother, here come the waves of grief and minggaw come crashing down again in me for Mommy. Mommy is gone now and decided that April 30, 2013 was the day she said goodbye to her earthly life. Though I, Lalay and Jojing have prepared ourselves for this eventuality since last year, there is no balm or magic pill that prevents us not to still feel the pain and grief of her loss, nothing can erase the lonely and sad emotion that our mother is not with us anymore.  But  Mommy is home now.... she is now resting and at peace and reunited with her beloved parents, Lolo Jose and Nanay and only brother, Tito Boy and best of all, she and Kibs are now together. I can just imagine how much joy Mom felt when Kiboy welcomed her into his arms...in a tight embrace of love, eternal peace and joy - a mother and son reunited.  This scenario in my mind and heart of Mom and Kibs reuniting is important and is of significance that only Mom and I can understand. When Kibs died last year, Mom took it all in quietly and calmly without any tears or verbal anguish and not once did she ask me about his illness or any of the circumstances of his passing. In short, Kibs death was too painful for her to think about or vocalize in any way - so Mom never asked or talked to me about Kibs since then. She buried her grief deep down and shut it out and tuned out of it. And when Mom died, our dear aunt Tita Eunice Lopez pointed out to me that now Mom is set free from her "lu-om sa dughan" (deep despair in the depths of her heart) ...in short Mom is now free from the heavy burden of grief she surpressed when faced with Kibs sudden death. Now they are  both together and now only have shining light, peace, endless joy and happy hearts in the place up there, where no pain, sorrow, and unhappiness will ever touch them  again.

And so...beam me  up please???????? While doing my early morning walk around the neighborhood, I could not help but miss Mommy. I used to accompany her on weekends for her short morning walking exercises. Mom spent the last 3 years of her life in our little house in Pasadena and so it is inevitable that not a day goes by that I am not reminded of her and the memories we shared living together.

So this morning while walking, I heard the song by Pink "Beam me Up" and I just wished I could be "beamed up" for a minute to see Mommy as I was missing her so much. Wouldn't be great to just be beamed up even for a minute to be face to face with loved ones who have passed? When the waves of grief and longing crash its waves down on our faltering spirits and heart, we wish that our departed love ones were still with us.

Mom died in her sleep on April 30th - I could not wake her up anymore for her evening medication. She just went peacefully but unexpectedly in her sleep. And I was not even able to say goodbye. But Mommy is home now and happily so. She was laid to rest in Queen City Memorial Park beside Lolo Jose, Nanay Flavia and Tito Boy Muana and they are now complete and together with the addition of Kibs.  
That is our family in heaven now, our angels watching over us. There will still be waves of grief and sad remembrance ebbing and crashing into my own and my sisters' and father's hearts and there will be lots of times when I still wish to be beamed up no matter how impossible it may be, but through the tears and sadness, the memories of Mommy and Kibs would always warm my heart and still put a smile to my face. 

Beam Me Up - by Pink

The gift of sisterhood that Kiboy left behind....

When someone dies so young, especially when it is a child of a family you know, it is just feels like so close to home and to your heart. And so then the all too familiar pangs of sadness and burdening weight of grief and sorrow again becomes the unwelcome but unstoppable visitor to your heart. This visitor does not even need to acknowledge its presence and knock - it just barges in and once again relieves and inflicts the heavy feelings of unbearable lost and pain on the family going through a death in the family. In this case it is the family who loved and un-officially adopted my brother to their family and treated him like part of their family...the Pacis Family.

Their young nephew of 23, the same age as my son, the son of Tina Pacis Quano recently passed away from cancer after a courageous and inspiring albeit a painful battle. So young and still so full of life...but a life cut short.  I did not know Miguel personally, nor he of me,  but I knew of him and also feel the grief of his loss. I can just imagine the searing and unbearable pain and sadness  his family now is feeling especially his Mom and Dad and siblings and for all the Pacis and Quano families. My deepest condolences to the whole family!

And of course, any death in the family of someone I know again brings out the usual rewind of emotions with Kibs own death. That is an inevitable consequence of losing a beloved family member....who also died too young.... and also from cancer. And more so now because this is happening to the Pacis family who were like Kibs 2nd family in Cebu. As I have always mentioned previously, my brother was not a stay-at-home person  and always liked to hang-out somewhere with his cousins and friends. And so he spent a lot of time hanging out in the Pacis household in Lahug when he was younger. The Pacis siblings of 2 brothers and 6 sisters were all close to Kiboy and because he was always in their house he became an adopted member of the family. When Kibs died, the Pacis siblings especially the sisters Susan, Grace, Gin, Tina and Emmy all sincerely reached out to Jojing and me and expressed their condolences and also told us heartwarming stories of my brother during their Lahug days. What struck me most was how they all collectively told me and Jojing that they also grieved for the death of a brother...as Kibs was like an adopted brother to them. I was so touched at how much they all cared and loved my brother like their own. During our hour of grief when Kibs passed, the Pacis sisters indeed gave me and Jojing so much comfort with their consoling messages and their loving and good memories of Kibs. And Kiboy all brought us together...Pacis sisters and Murillo sisters.  And up to now, every Sunday, their Mom, Tita Franz always places a bouquet of flowers in Kibs grave after she visits her husband's grave. That is how much Kiboy is loved and cherished by the Pacis family. And I am sure the feeling was mutual as Kibs was always happy to be around all of them and I am sure felt a lot of respect, affection and familial love for them. Gin Pacis said it so aptly that "Kiboy all brought us together...and love is never lost". That love evolved into the a sisterhood that became a gift to us from Kiboy. The Pacis sisters were all there for us when Kiboy passed and showed us how much Kibs meant to them....told us funny stories of Kibs and shared good and happy memories of their time with him. What a heartwarming legacy my brother left for us....the connection to a wonderful and kind and loving family as the Pacis family...and the gift of an extended sisterhood.

Now the Pacis family is going through their own time of grief and sorrow with the passing of Miguel. I may not be in Cebu now but I am with them fervently in spirit and thoughts and offering my silent prayers for all of them to find comfort in the abundance of love and affection for Miguel and his short but well lived life in this earth. For a very loving, caring and sharing family like the Pacis family, I am sure they are all now surrounded with a lot of support, comfort, kindness and understanding and abounding love for Miguel's passing. I pray they gain strength and needed comfort from all the prayers and love of people sharing their condolences. May Miguel rest in peace......

Moments in time....and the veil that never leaves us.

There are still a lot of times  I am caught off guard, feel a sudden pang of shock and still go down the path of heart-wrenching disbelief and non-acceptance of the pain and loss... that I have to shake myself physically, open my eyes wide,  breathe deeply in and out, let out a big cleansing sigh and force my mind to accept and get back to the present moment. And that present moment is the reality that Kibs has passed on and is not here anymore. There are moments when I think of Kibs as still alive and I have to call or talk to him about something and then realize it is not possible anymore. Out of the blue, a sudden thought or memory makes me think of Kibs like he was still alive. Those are the moments in time  that catch me off-guard and so I have to shake myself out of it immediately after the initial shock of again realizing that he has died already. The heart will always remember our loved ones who have passed on and memories of them both bring us so much joy and also so much sadness...and those moments in time bring them back to us, even just for a short time. And there is always that "veil" we acquire and that will never leave us....no matter how much time and "moving on" and acceptance we have garnered for ourselves. That is the invisible veil of melancholy and subdued sadness that will  shroud our being and will always show up once in awhile in our day to day lives.

And while cleaning out some house stuff last night, I saw pictures of his 2009 visit here and again could not believe that I will not see him again...that he is gone..etc. etc..etc... and that  permament broken record/mantra repeats itself over and over again in my mind and heart again, 9 months after he has died. And in a way I could blame my brother for it a little. If he did not have such a disarming smile and was a sour and glum person, then I would not be missing him so much.  :)  But he was exactly the opposite and so he is to blame for not being a hard person to love and miss...:)  I guess it is just because my best memory of my brother is his sunny, smiling and accepting facial smile expression everytime we see each other...and always with his upbeat and skippy walk. And if you look at pictures of him, he always has that signature sunny-upbeat-accepting smile plastered in his face! Now that he is gone, that image whether in pictures or in my mind, is exactly what gets to me! That is when the veil of sadness again descends on my shoulders  silently and sleathily and shrouds me and again opens up and puts salt on a recovering grief-wounded heart. I now have made the invisible veil of sadness and remembrance  an inanimate friend and companion of mine. Not that I enjoy its company, but since it will never go away anymore and will always descend on me once in awhile when remembering Kibs and his death, I have come to accept being shrouded with my veil now and then. This veil just lingers all around me and my family and to all those who loved and knew Kibs in his lifetime. When my sisters and I talk about Kibs now and reminisce or recount his life, we can now do it without tears but there will always be pauses and quiet moments in between our conversations  and in my mind, I imagine the shroud and veil  falling in between us. It is like a curtain falling down in front of you when a show ends.  But for me, the good thing is that I also believe in the opposite motion of what ever comes down will always go up. And so the curtain and veil does go up and in my case, the moments of sadness do come so often but they also do not stay permanently. The veil does still open up to bright and sunny skies and smiles and laughter and funny and happy memories of Kibs.  

When I look at pictures of him now, I still cannot reconcile the smiling-full-of-life Marlon/Kibs now gone and silenced. The acceptance of that truth and undeniable fact will always be a struggle to me. He was one of those people who saw the world as his oyster and a place he could conquer. He was always big on ideas and plans and projects and with his inquisitive mind, was open to anything under the sun, whether it was an idea, a belief, a project, or even a superstition. He was truly an "I-open-my-arms-to-the-world" kind of person.  How can you not miss a person like that forever? In his short life, he indeed had his good times and bad times. We all go through our own heaven and hell periods in our lives here on earth...just like Kibs did. But I could imagine that even through his tough and bad periods, he still faced the day with acceptance and a sunny and smiling disposition. As they say, "you can't keep a good man down". But of course, his fate was to leave us on May 21, 2012. And that good man didn't stay down but instead went up to heaven. And he is so missed everyday...by me! 

Christmas in Heaven

Merry Christmas Kibs! This is the first christmas without you... I love you and I miss you!

 And Missing Tita Nora too! She is now spending Christmas in Heaven too.........

"Kalag-kalag"....

It was All Souls Day in the Philippines and so we remembered all our loved ones who have passed. I miss the pinoy tradition of visiting them in the cemetery and meeting up with all the relatives and friends who are doing the same. It usually is a merry reunion of friends and families alike come Nov. 1 & Nov 2 in the Philippines. The cemetery turns into a sea of lights and people. And how I wish I was there to visit my brother's grave and all the rest of the relatives! But I am with them in spirit and know all of them are resting in peace.


Nov. 2 is a day for "The Commemoration of All the Faithful Departed" for Catholics. And my brother, Kibs is now one of the "faithfully departed". Who would think he is now the one being visited in Cempark Memorial and only last year, he was the one visiting Cempark and Queen City Memorial? Jojing always asks Kibs to buys the flowers and candles for the graves and they visit Queen City Memorial together. Now it is Kibs grave that has the flowers and the candles. Kibs grave reads "Marlon Murillo October 27, 1956 - May 21, 2012". Seeing his handwriting on his grave does brings back so much memories of him. It is again a trying week for the family having to go through todos los santos or in Cebuano, kalag-kalag with Kibs now on the other side.

Happy Birthday Kibs!!!!

Today, Oct. 27th is Kibs 56th birthday. Happy Birthday Kibs! Though you are not with us anymore, you are always in our hearts and minds and I send my birthday greetings up to you in heaven today. I miss you so much everyday and most especially today on your birthday. Mommy, Daddy and the girls surely have their own individual reflective and somber thoughts of you today and though it may seem like a sad day without you here with us anymore, it is still a Happy Birthday to you celebrating in heaven! How wonderful your birthday up there must be.... :)

It has been 6 months since Kibs passed and it feels both like it was only yesterday and also like a lifetime ago. Though the days for me have been lighter and manageable when I remember my brother, this week has been a little bit tough for the memories past and for the thought of celebrating Kibs birthday without him anymore. Mom had to be hospitalized again last week at the Arcadia Methodist Hospital because of internal bleeding.The last time Mommy was confined in Arcadia Methodist was 3 years ago in 2009 when she had her near fatal heart attack. Kibs flew out here all the way from the Philippines to stay with me for 4 months to help me care for Mommy. He would spend the day in the hospital with Mom while I was at work and coordinate with the doctors for the daily medical updates to Mom's condition. He took time out of his life in Cebu to come here to take care of Mom when she was sick and help me too. So when I was walking around in the Methodist hospital this past week, I was feeling so melancholic because I remembered Kibs so much around the hospital. I missed his reassuring presence and calm demeanor in the face of Mom's serious health crisis then.  Last week when Mom had to be rushed again to the Emergency and then ICU because she was vomiting a lot of blood, I did not feel any panic and had this uncanny calm feeling and knew that though Mom's condition again seemed serious, I was not worried and knew she would overcome this health setback and recover from this. While following the ambulance taking Mom to the hospital last Tuesday, as I was nearing the hospital I "talked" to Kibs like I usually do while driving alone and I just felt like he was with me in spirit and was letting me know that Mom would be alright. It seemed I could hear his voice in my head saying "Mom will be alright Pinks".  And then a calm and soothing feeling settled in me and that was when I knew Kibs was watching over Mom and me still. So after 1 week  in the hospital, Mom is now back home and recovering well.  Thank God and yes Kibs was still taking care of Mom.  In the hospital Mom kept repeating over and over again that Kibs bday was coming up on Oct. 27th. And just this afternoon at home, she again reminded me of his bday today and kept saying "Ekieboy, Ekieboy, Ekieboy". It seemed like she was just chanting his name or calling out to him in prayer or just saying his name over and over again because she was missing him.  And it kind of broke my heart hearing her say his name over again as it felt to me that  it was a mother calling out to her first born...56 years ago, the unico hijo and first child was born... and 56 years after he is gone too.... gone too soon.

I read the article about Queen Latifah and  how she felt when she lost her brother and I easily could relate and intensely feel the same way as she does. It indeed does feel like I have lost a limb or a part of me when Kibs died. Of course every loss of a loved one breaks your heart and also takes a part of your life away. But the way Queen Latifah described the loss of her brother as an amputation seemed so real and so apt as to how I also feel without Kibs here anymore.  But what strikes me about this article  is the straightforward line that  like Queen Latifah,eventually, I will need to " rebuild parts of myself and find a way to live without the limb". Our whole family will now have to live without Kibs and though the loss and pain is still so fresh and still so hard to bear, eventually each of us will find our own way to deal with it.
         
Everybody dreams and dreams can be different for a lot of people. I read that creative people have vivid dreams. So naturally I will concur that I am not a creative person mainly because I do not have vivid dreams. I mostly cannot remember my dreams when I wake up and I know for sure that I only have black and white  dreams, never color. That speaks a lot about the "not creative" part in me.... :)

However my very creative and crafty sister, Lalay, does get the vivid and meaningful dreams which she shares with me from time to time. And sometimes she has dreams that come true or carry a very significant message worth analyzing. And just last September, 4 months after Kibs death, she dreamt of him and it gave me much comfort and joy to know that Kibs sent a message thru her dream. In her own words and with her permission, anyone who knows my brother Kibs would just smile while reading Lalay's account of her dream below as it is so Kibs and certainly such a comforting message that he is happy and at peace now in heaven....

"I had a very strange dream of Kibs. I was watching some sort of parade and there was a big float coming in the shape of a pirate ship. There on the deck was Marlon dressed as a pirate and smiling. I looked up as the float seemed like it was up floating very high and I told Marloni how glad I was to see him and that I was very sorry that I had negative feelings about his illness initially. He just cocked his head to one side and suppressed a smile as if to say 'ikaw ha!'. It was at that moment that I knew this was not just a simple dream but this was really Marlon talking to me because that was so him. Why he was a pirate, that's the strange bit..but then dreams are always strange. I asked Marlon to get down so I could give him a hug and he said that it was 'not allowed'. He said he was just given permission to show himself but it was against the rules to linger and give me a hug. He looked happy and he smiled all the time. then the pirate ship floated up higher and he was gone but a photograph of him in the pirate ship floated down and I picked it up from the ground. As I picked it up, I heard his voice from above telling me not to worry about him and to tell YOU and JOJING that he was okay. I woke up not even feeling sad..I felt sort of relieved. 

So knowing how Kibs is, I was so happy and comforted to hear of this dream of Lalay with a specific message for Jojing and me. He was bidding us goodbye and he was on his way up going into the light. And so today on his birthday, I am sure Kibs is smiling his shining light up there partying! Happy Birthday Kibs! We love you and we miss you dearly!

P.S. Jojing's birthday gift for Kibs was bringing Marcus, Kibs son to Hongkong for a short trip. Anton also got to tag along, thanks to his Tita too :).