Anton is HOME!!! :)

After 104  days in Chong Hua (3 months and 14 days), Anton finally is back home in Mactan and now sleeping in his own bed. He was so happy to be home and cried tears of joy! My warrior son has been through such an ordeal the past 3 months but he has been so brave through it all. The road to his recovery has been slow though positive and though it will still be a long road to full recovery, the best thing is that he has improved so much since that harrowing day in July 7, 2013. That day is now a bad dream and memory and with Anton back home, there is so much hope and light/"kahayag" that he will now continue on to getting better and back to good health.

I cannot put into words how what happened to Anton has affected me so deeply. First it was Kibs sudden illness and subsequent death last year, followed by Tita Nora's passing in November and then Mom's passing in April 30 this year. Your heart breaks and grieves for a love one's passing and of course the death of a loved one is not an easy experience at all. So while the family was still reeling from the 3 deaths in the family in a span of 1 year, we were struck and blindsided shockingly with Anton's medical crisis. And having your only child struck down so suddenly overnight with an unexpected medical emergency and on the brink of death was the ultimate knee-breaker that makes you fall down to the ground and crumble in despair with your heart breaking to a thousand little pieces!!!

You raise your child starting from your womb and take care of them and protect them the best way you can - as all mothers do. And you always wish that they are  happy, healthy and safe all the time. But you cannot protect them all the time and when they are grown, they have to start to experience life on their own. In short, a parent needs to step aside "and let life happen" for them.  But I didn't think in my wildest dreams that this was what "life" had in store for my child! What a big and daunting challenge from life for my young 24 year old son! Before, I was worried about Anton's tonsilitis or  ingrown toe nail infection recurring and other little mother-son worries, only to be slapped in the face to the reality that those were just microscopic worries compared to... getting the sudden and unexpected news that he had blood clot in his cervical spine the size of a sausage that was compressing on his spine and endangering his life! The doctors' initial prognosis was very pessimistic then that Anton would be on a breathing respirator the rest of his life and he would not be able to walk again. Any parent would react and feel the same heart-wrenching despair I and Bimboy felt, same with my sisters and relatives and friends. I am thankful that Tita Nora and Mommy are not around anymore to know this has happened to their favorite apo as they would not be able to take it. And the initial dire prognosis from the doctors was just that...initial...as Anton has come out of this and survived and now is progressing well. My warrior child...fighting on! :)

Thankfully I am able to handle all these and am still standing strong and sane till now. The wind has been strongly knocked out of me and has pulled me down mercilessly but I refuse to stay down for long. I thank my family genes of internal strength and having the control of not breaking down and breaking apart. Of course, practice makes perfect and I have had a lot of practice in the life's-trials-and-challenges" department. In fact, cheesy as it sounds but like Whitney Houston's song says, "I was not built to break, no, no...I got to know my own strength". 
And I have never been one for self-pity but when someone tells me to my face while I am really down, worried and despairing for my only son who is in pain and suffering that "there is nothing cruel in my life now", that just takes the wind out of me some more! Only someone who is not a parent could say that. Because when you are a parent, your world revolves around your children and not only on your own self. How can it not be cruel to know your child is sick and ailing and I cannot be there for him. No one has the right to diminish and consequently disrespect a mother's anguish for her suffering child!!! No one! :(

Other than that one negative thing, I and Bimboy and the family are so grateful and so ever thankful for all the prayers, love, concern, moral and financial support for Anton all through these 3 roller coaster months! 

Like I mentioned he still has a long way to go before he can be mobile and walking again but lots of good vibes abound and a positive energizing spirit surges through all our veins especially inside Anton that he will come out of this and get back to good health and a normal life again. He is my warrior child ... so brave and so strong and he is the "best poem, the masterpiece and shining star in my life". For that I am BLESSED!

Happy Birthday Mommy!

It was Mommy's 81st birthday yesterday - October 6, 2013 and she is spending it now in heaven. My sisters and I miss her so....5 months and 6 days since she passed away. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her and remember her vividly..all the memories and moments. I miss her so! :( The house in Pasadena has turned so quiet and lonely now without Mom around.

But Mom is gone now and I am sure quite happy and at peace now, especially since she has Lolo and Nanay, Tito Boy and Kiboy all around her now.

Happy Birthday Mommy!!!! I love you and miss you....

She is Gone... a poem by David Hawkins

You can shed tears that she is gone,
Or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all she’s left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her,
Or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
Be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she’d want:
Smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

When Life has you feeling Down, Keep these Words in Mind...

Beam me up please?

Just when the waves have ebbed a bit for my brother, here come the waves of grief and minggaw come crashing down again in me for Mommy. Mommy is gone now and decided that April 30, 2013 was the day she said goodbye to her earthly life. Though I, Lalay and Jojing have prepared ourselves for this eventuality since last year, there is no balm or magic pill that prevents us not to still feel the pain and grief of her loss, nothing can erase the lonely and sad emotion that our mother is not with us anymore.  But  Mommy is home now.... she is now resting and at peace and reunited with her beloved parents, Lolo Jose and Nanay and only brother, Tito Boy and best of all, she and Kibs are now together. I can just imagine how much joy Mom felt when Kiboy welcomed her into his arms...in a tight embrace of love, eternal peace and joy - a mother and son reunited.  This scenario in my mind and heart of Mom and Kibs reuniting is important and is of significance that only Mom and I can understand. When Kibs died last year, Mom took it all in quietly and calmly without any tears or verbal anguish and not once did she ask me about his illness or any of the circumstances of his passing. In short, Kibs death was too painful for her to think about or vocalize in any way - so Mom never asked or talked to me about Kibs since then. She buried her grief deep down and shut it out and tuned out of it. And when Mom died, our dear aunt Tita Eunice Lopez pointed out to me that now Mom is set free from her "lu-om sa dughan" (deep despair in the depths of her heart) ...in short Mom is now free from the heavy burden of grief she surpressed when faced with Kibs sudden death. Now they are  both together and now only have shining light, peace, endless joy and happy hearts in the place up there, where no pain, sorrow, and unhappiness will ever touch them  again.

And so...beam me  up please???????? While doing my early morning walk around the neighborhood, I could not help but miss Mommy. I used to accompany her on weekends for her short morning walking exercises. Mom spent the last 3 years of her life in our little house in Pasadena and so it is inevitable that not a day goes by that I am not reminded of her and the memories we shared living together.

So this morning while walking, I heard the song by Pink "Beam me Up" and I just wished I could be "beamed up" for a minute to see Mommy as I was missing her so much. Wouldn't be great to just be beamed up even for a minute to be face to face with loved ones who have passed? When the waves of grief and longing crash its waves down on our faltering spirits and heart, we wish that our departed love ones were still with us.

Mom died in her sleep on April 30th - I could not wake her up anymore for her evening medication. She just went peacefully but unexpectedly in her sleep. And I was not even able to say goodbye. But Mommy is home now and happily so. She was laid to rest in Queen City Memorial Park beside Lolo Jose, Nanay Flavia and Tito Boy Muana and they are now complete and together with the addition of Kibs.  
That is our family in heaven now, our angels watching over us. There will still be waves of grief and sad remembrance ebbing and crashing into my own and my sisters' and father's hearts and there will be lots of times when I still wish to be beamed up no matter how impossible it may be, but through the tears and sadness, the memories of Mommy and Kibs would always warm my heart and still put a smile to my face. 

Beam Me Up - by Pink

The gift of sisterhood that Kiboy left behind....

When someone dies so young, especially when it is a child of a family you know, it is just feels like so close to home and to your heart. And so then the all too familiar pangs of sadness and burdening weight of grief and sorrow again becomes the unwelcome but unstoppable visitor to your heart. This visitor does not even need to acknowledge its presence and knock - it just barges in and once again relieves and inflicts the heavy feelings of unbearable lost and pain on the family going through a death in the family. In this case it is the family who loved and un-officially adopted my brother to their family and treated him like part of their family...the Pacis Family.

Their young nephew of 23, the same age as my son, the son of Tina Pacis Quano recently passed away from cancer after a courageous and inspiring albeit a painful battle. So young and still so full of life...but a life cut short.  I did not know Miguel personally, nor he of me,  but I knew of him and also feel the grief of his loss. I can just imagine the searing and unbearable pain and sadness  his family now is feeling especially his Mom and Dad and siblings and for all the Pacis and Quano families. My deepest condolences to the whole family!

And of course, any death in the family of someone I know again brings out the usual rewind of emotions with Kibs own death. That is an inevitable consequence of losing a beloved family member....who also died too young.... and also from cancer. And more so now because this is happening to the Pacis family who were like Kibs 2nd family in Cebu. As I have always mentioned previously, my brother was not a stay-at-home person  and always liked to hang-out somewhere with his cousins and friends. And so he spent a lot of time hanging out in the Pacis household in Lahug when he was younger. The Pacis siblings of 2 brothers and 6 sisters were all close to Kiboy and because he was always in their house he became an adopted member of the family. When Kibs died, the Pacis siblings especially the sisters Susan, Grace, Gin, Tina and Emmy all sincerely reached out to Jojing and me and expressed their condolences and also told us heartwarming stories of my brother during their Lahug days. What struck me most was how they all collectively told me and Jojing that they also grieved for the death of a brother...as Kibs was like an adopted brother to them. I was so touched at how much they all cared and loved my brother like their own. During our hour of grief when Kibs passed, the Pacis sisters indeed gave me and Jojing so much comfort with their consoling messages and their loving and good memories of Kibs. And Kiboy all brought us together...Pacis sisters and Murillo sisters.  And up to now, every Sunday, their Mom, Tita Franz always places a bouquet of flowers in Kibs grave after she visits her husband's grave. That is how much Kiboy is loved and cherished by the Pacis family. And I am sure the feeling was mutual as Kibs was always happy to be around all of them and I am sure felt a lot of respect, affection and familial love for them. Gin Pacis said it so aptly that "Kiboy all brought us together...and love is never lost". That love evolved into the a sisterhood that became a gift to us from Kiboy. The Pacis sisters were all there for us when Kiboy passed and showed us how much Kibs meant to them....told us funny stories of Kibs and shared good and happy memories of their time with him. What a heartwarming legacy my brother left for us....the connection to a wonderful and kind and loving family as the Pacis family...and the gift of an extended sisterhood.

Now the Pacis family is going through their own time of grief and sorrow with the passing of Miguel. I may not be in Cebu now but I am with them fervently in spirit and thoughts and offering my silent prayers for all of them to find comfort in the abundance of love and affection for Miguel and his short but well lived life in this earth. For a very loving, caring and sharing family like the Pacis family, I am sure they are all now surrounded with a lot of support, comfort, kindness and understanding and abounding love for Miguel's passing. I pray they gain strength and needed comfort from all the prayers and love of people sharing their condolences. May Miguel rest in peace......

Moments in time....and the veil that never leaves us.

There are still a lot of times  I am caught off guard, feel a sudden pang of shock and still go down the path of heart-wrenching disbelief and non-acceptance of the pain and loss... that I have to shake myself physically, open my eyes wide,  breathe deeply in and out, let out a big cleansing sigh and force my mind to accept and get back to the present moment. And that present moment is the reality that Kibs has passed on and is not here anymore. There are moments when I think of Kibs as still alive and I have to call or talk to him about something and then realize it is not possible anymore. Out of the blue, a sudden thought or memory makes me think of Kibs like he was still alive. Those are the moments in time  that catch me off-guard and so I have to shake myself out of it immediately after the initial shock of again realizing that he has died already. The heart will always remember our loved ones who have passed on and memories of them both bring us so much joy and also so much sadness...and those moments in time bring them back to us, even just for a short time. And there is always that "veil" we acquire and that will never leave us....no matter how much time and "moving on" and acceptance we have garnered for ourselves. That is the invisible veil of melancholy and subdued sadness that will  shroud our being and will always show up once in awhile in our day to day lives.

And while cleaning out some house stuff last night, I saw pictures of his 2009 visit here and again could not believe that I will not see him again...that he is gone..etc. etc..etc... and that  permament broken record/mantra repeats itself over and over again in my mind and heart again, 9 months after he has died. And in a way I could blame my brother for it a little. If he did not have such a disarming smile and was a sour and glum person, then I would not be missing him so much.  :)  But he was exactly the opposite and so he is to blame for not being a hard person to love and miss...:)  I guess it is just because my best memory of my brother is his sunny, smiling and accepting facial smile expression everytime we see each other...and always with his upbeat and skippy walk. And if you look at pictures of him, he always has that signature sunny-upbeat-accepting smile plastered in his face! Now that he is gone, that image whether in pictures or in my mind, is exactly what gets to me! That is when the veil of sadness again descends on my shoulders  silently and sleathily and shrouds me and again opens up and puts salt on a recovering grief-wounded heart. I now have made the invisible veil of sadness and remembrance  an inanimate friend and companion of mine. Not that I enjoy its company, but since it will never go away anymore and will always descend on me once in awhile when remembering Kibs and his death, I have come to accept being shrouded with my veil now and then. This veil just lingers all around me and my family and to all those who loved and knew Kibs in his lifetime. When my sisters and I talk about Kibs now and reminisce or recount his life, we can now do it without tears but there will always be pauses and quiet moments in between our conversations  and in my mind, I imagine the shroud and veil  falling in between us. It is like a curtain falling down in front of you when a show ends.  But for me, the good thing is that I also believe in the opposite motion of what ever comes down will always go up. And so the curtain and veil does go up and in my case, the moments of sadness do come so often but they also do not stay permanently. The veil does still open up to bright and sunny skies and smiles and laughter and funny and happy memories of Kibs.  

When I look at pictures of him now, I still cannot reconcile the smiling-full-of-life Marlon/Kibs now gone and silenced. The acceptance of that truth and undeniable fact will always be a struggle to me. He was one of those people who saw the world as his oyster and a place he could conquer. He was always big on ideas and plans and projects and with his inquisitive mind, was open to anything under the sun, whether it was an idea, a belief, a project, or even a superstition. He was truly an "I-open-my-arms-to-the-world" kind of person.  How can you not miss a person like that forever? In his short life, he indeed had his good times and bad times. We all go through our own heaven and hell periods in our lives here on earth...just like Kibs did. But I could imagine that even through his tough and bad periods, he still faced the day with acceptance and a sunny and smiling disposition. As they say, "you can't keep a good man down". But of course, his fate was to leave us on May 21, 2012. And that good man didn't stay down but instead went up to heaven. And he is so missed everyday...by me!