A life adjustment.....going on with life without Kibs

Today is the 17th day since Kibs has passed and up to now,  the voice in my head still keeps repeating the mantra "I cannot believe I will not see my brother again". It is as clear as day that of course Kibs is now gone from this earthly life forever and of course I will not see him again. But even that stark reality still cannot jar me to stop that mantra in my head - it still is so unbelievable to me that I will not see Kibs anymore! When a fact is too painful to face, it seems manageable to just be in denial. The everyday waterworks has abated but just like the ebb tides of the seas, it still comes and goes. I am glad for the ebbing though and some normalcy has returned to daily living though it is now a challenge in more ways than one.

But the suffocating and searing heart pain of losing Kibs is here to stay. "Grief" is the name of my new friend. It is with me everyday now and will never go away (I hear) but will lessen over time. And a best friend has cautioned me that this is just the start of a long difficult process....I still have a long way to go! The sadness and sorrow can be overwhelming at times and I can now understand why they say that mourning the loss of a love one can last for months and years. But as they say 'time heals all wounds" ...but whether it is still a fresh loss like our Kibs or lots of years has passed since a loved one's passing, the heart will always have a broken part inside that is irreplacable and never stops hurting. Time may eventually temper the grief of loss but it will not go away. I  have now learned and experienced that little triggers just makes the memories attack you, rattle the broken part in your heart and then grief stares you right back in the face again.

I know Kibs would not want us in the family or his close cousins and beloved friends to keep on mourning his death and continue on feeling sad and desolate for losing him. So I try to concentrate on the good memories of my brother. I know Kibs would want us all to go on and live our lives as best as we could. So if Kibs was to send a message to me now....it would certainly be something like the quoted saying below. I imagine him comfortingly telling me....

............ “May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back. 

May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields. 

And until we meet again, May God hold you in the hollow of his hand.”