Clouds and the blue skies....and an angel brother.

It will be 3 months since Kibs death and though it seems like only yesterday, it also seems like a lifetime ago in the sense that grief and the pain of loss makes us feel so old inside. When your heart gets so challenged with pain, hurt, loss, sickness or unbearable sorrow, it drains all the energy and life inside you somehow. There are days when I just do not have the energy to face the day. Silly as it sounds, the day after our family learned that Kibs was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer stage 4 in April, I started dreading my daily drives to work and dreaded sleeping at night. I am the type who loves driving and have always found joy in my quiet time on my daily drive to work. This is the time while driving when I pray and let my thoughts center on good intentions for me and my family for the day. But that fateful April day when I learned Kibs was diagnosed with a fatal disease, my daily drives to work have been so disrupted with troubled thoughts and emotions, constant anxiety, anguish, tears and torment at the thought of Kibs illness....and his eventual death. I would heave a sign of relief once I got to my office desk as I know work will be able to distract my thoughts and energy away  for the day. And then when night and sleeping time comes, again the usual agitation and stress re-surfaces as sleep becomes so elusive with a broken heart and spirit. When I close my eyes, I always see Kibs face in my mind and of course, the torrent of all the memories come crashing down on me. It is as if I am dumped into a big black hole and feeling so helpless with the overwhelming emotions of missing my brother all over again. And that big black hole was in my heart... :(

After my brother died, I stopped going to mass and even stopped praying. I didn't try to analyze why or think about it....I just stopped and could not pray or go to mass anymore and didn't want to really know why. I could not sleep at nights and I just seemed to coast through the days the best way I could. I felt so unhinged and overwhelmed inside and could not accept that Kibs was gone.  My sisters and I had to go through a few ups and downs with Dad's own situation of how he was handling his own grief. All of us were in pain but each of us (Dad, Mom and my sisters) had our own way of dealing with our pain. And it is universal in this world that everyone has their own battles and challenges in life and everyone has their own measure of pain, hurt and sorrow that comes with those challenges. But there are moments when we are engulfed with sorrow and despair, that it is hard to focus and get on with the day. Pain is pain and it is very personal to you so sometimes it is just better to let it be. It is ok to feel the sadness and emptiness. And we try to handle it the best way we can...in our own way. Not that we all do not also have our moments of pure joy and happiness, sunshine and rainbows too...because there is still joy and happiness in this world. There is always light and hope for a new day....

So after 3 months, that hope and light has returned slowly into my life. The dark veil of grief has slowly lifted.  Time indeed can be a friend....I  have finally accepted that Kibs is gone physically and I  can now smile instead of cry when I remember him. Whereas I used to dread waking up to the pain of knowing he is not here anymore, I now bounce out of bed in the morning and open the front door in the house to peer out into the clear blue skies. I have not gone crazy but I now see Kibs up there in the heavens and that is what has helped me feel better now and helped me cope and ease the loss. I see Kibs smiling face up there in the clear blue skies and that image puts a smile in heart and brightens my day.  I talk to him everyday and actually feel and know he is with me in spirit. Sometimes, I even hear his voice  in my mind saying "Hi Pinks" when I greet him in the mornings. Like I now know and have experienced, grief is a very personal thing and it is certainly a process for everyone who has lost a loved one. Coping daily is a constant struggle as we never know what is in store as we all have our good and bad days. In my case, it seems I am having less bad days as before... which certainly is a good thing. :)  That means I am now coping enough as I have finally accepted that my brother is gone from this earth. It was too painful before to realize the finality of his death. But   I can now look up to the clear blue skies and smile at the thought of Kibs up there looking down on me. I know he is now looking down and watching over me and our family. 


Kibs and me in one of our driving trips - 2009



Kibs - Santa Monica Pier 2009



I clearly remember a scene in 2009 when we were in the car driving to San Francisco and Kibs was peering out into the skies. California has mostly clear, crisp, sunny blue skies and that day was no different. Kibs immediately took out his camera and was so enthusiastic at how beautiful the blue skies were that day and started taking pictures of the blue sky. It was a real picture-perfect clear sunny day and my brother's enthusiasm and appreciation of the blue skies and pretty clouds that day stuck to my mind.

So now when I look up and see the expanse of the blue, clear skies and pretty clouds, I remember Kibs and can see his smiling face looking down at me. It is now a big comfort to know that Kibs is our family's angel watching over all of us.