Happy 58th Birthday!

Kibs would have been 58 years old today, October 27, 2014.  If he was still here with us, our normal routine would be my sending my greetings through email and he would answer back and we would be catching up on each other's lives with some chismis on the side on whatever was juicy news in Cebu.

It is indeed so ironic that in our lives, we take so much for granted... especially family.
Not because we do not care for them or cherish them but because we always think we would always have them in our lives and be with them. And I am one who always thought Kibs would always be around even if we both lived in different continents. I even assumed that I would take care of him when he was old and gray. But those were the things I assumed and thought would happen in our lives and yes took for granted...only to be bereft of Kibs when he passed away on May 2012.

My brother and I were not close as siblings when we were younger. He was the shining star of the family the day he was born and as the first born, naturally acquired the propensity of wanting to be in the spotlight always and act like a mini-adult. And because he had a genius IQ, all the more he thought the world revolved around him. :) So it was more 2 separate worlds we revolved around as children, his own world and the 3 younger sisters' space.

He was not a mean older brother but more of an indifferent brother was how we saw him when we were kids. So naturally, I cannot recall any bonding moments with my brother when I was younger. What irony to now recall all that and compare it to the times Kibs and I spent together the few years before he died. Kibs and I spent a few months together in 2008 here in the US when he came for a visit and vacation. And then he came back again in 2009 when he came to help me care for Mom. Those were the times that we finally connected as siblings and call it maturity and getting older and mellower (both from our sides), but I truly saw and appreciated how a loving and caring brother and older sibling he was after all.... and more so, he was a selfless loving son who took care of Mom in the hospital for 3 months. 

We did not bond much when we were kids but those times he spent with me and Mom here in the U.S. in 2008 and 2009 made up for a million years of bonding as brother and sister....and that is why I will grieve and miss my brother for a million years too.... till the day when we meet again up there too.

Every morning when I wake up, I hear this bird chirping outside in the garden and I imagine the chirping bird is saying "Pinks, Pinks". I imagine Kibs calling out to me and giving me a good start to my day. I still hear Kibs voice in my head and still see his skippy walk when I think of him. I talk to him constantly and even if he is not here anymore, I know he has been watching over the family and has been my daily source of strength and hope in the midst of all the family challenges that have come my family's way after his death.

Today would have been his 58th birthday...and though he is not with us anymore, today definitely is a significant day for the family when Kibs was born 58 years ago....a special day for a special person. Happy Birthday in heaven Kibs! 

"When Tomorrow Starts Without Me.."

Today, May 21, 2014 marks the 2nd year Kibs has been gone from our lives. Ironically it both seems so long ago in time but still so fresh in feeling the loss. Not a day goes by when I do not think of my brother and tell him out loud I miss him...and that I wish he was still here with us. I guess up to now it is still hard for me to accept that he was taken away so early and his earthly vibrant life snuffed out so easily. And today marks another year for me to rewind again all these...the mind accepts but the heart that misses him will always grieve and hurt no matter what....

Our last picture together - 2009

I came across this wonderful poem.... and even if all my tomorrows start without him anymore,  Kibs will always be right here - in my Heart.  



"When Tomorrow Starts Without Me...."

When tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not there to see.
If the sun should rise and find your eyes, all filled with tears for me.
I wish so much you wouldn't cry, the way you did today, 

While thinking of the many things we never got to say.
I know how much you love me, as much as I love you..
And each time that you think of me, I know you'll miss me too.. 

But when tomorrow starts without me, Please try to understand..
An angel came and called my name and took me by the hand,
It seemed my place was ready - In Heaven far above,
and that I'd have to leave behind, those things I dearly love..

But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye.
For all of life, I'd always thought, I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for, so much yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible, that I was leaving you..
I thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad..
I thought of all the love we shared, and how much fun we had..
If I could relive yesterday, just even for a while,
I'd say goodbye, then kiss you ‘til I saw that special smile..
But then I fully realized, that it could never be,
'Cause emptiness and memories, would take the place of me.

And when I thought of all those things, I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was filled with sorrow. .
But when I walked through Heaven's gates, I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me, From his great & golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity, and all I've promised you.

Today your life on Earth is past, but here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last,
and since each day is the same day, there's no longing for the past. .
But you have been so faithful, so trusting and so true,
Though there were some times you did some things you shouldn't do. .
But you have been forgiven, and now at last you're free,
So come and take me by the hand, and share my life with me.." 

So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart, 
for every time you think of me, I'll be right there - in your Heart.. 

Anton is HOME!!! :)

After 104  days in Chong Hua (3 months and 14 days), Anton finally is back home in Mactan and now sleeping in his own bed. He was so happy to be home and cried tears of joy! My warrior son has been through such an ordeal the past 3 months but he has been so brave through it all. The road to his recovery has been slow though positive and though it will still be a long road to full recovery, the best thing is that he has improved so much since that harrowing day in July 7, 2013. That day is now a bad dream and memory and with Anton back home, there is so much hope and light/"kahayag" that he will now continue on to getting better and back to good health.

I cannot put into words how what happened to Anton has affected me so deeply. First it was Kibs sudden illness and subsequent death last year, followed by Tita Nora's passing in November and then Mom's passing in April 30 this year. Your heart breaks and grieves for a love one's passing and of course the death of a loved one is not an easy experience at all. So while the family was still reeling from the 3 deaths in the family in a span of 1 year, we were struck and blindsided shockingly with Anton's medical crisis. And having your only child struck down so suddenly overnight with an unexpected medical emergency and on the brink of death was the ultimate knee-breaker that makes you fall down to the ground and crumble in despair with your heart breaking to a thousand little pieces!!!

You raise your child starting from your womb and take care of them and protect them the best way you can - as all mothers do. And you always wish that they are  happy, healthy and safe all the time. But you cannot protect them all the time and when they are grown, they have to start to experience life on their own. In short, a parent needs to step aside "and let life happen" for them.  But I didn't think in my wildest dreams that this was what "life" had in store for my child! What a big and daunting challenge from life for my young 24 year old son! Before, I was worried about Anton's tonsilitis or  ingrown toe nail infection recurring and other little mother-son worries, only to be slapped in the face to the reality that those were just microscopic worries compared to... getting the sudden and unexpected news that he had blood clot in his cervical spine the size of a sausage that was compressing on his spine and endangering his life! The doctors' initial prognosis was very pessimistic then that Anton would be on a breathing respirator the rest of his life and he would not be able to walk again. Any parent would react and feel the same heart-wrenching despair I and Bimboy felt, same with my sisters and relatives and friends. I am thankful that Tita Nora and Mommy are not around anymore to know this has happened to their favorite apo as they would not be able to take it. And the initial dire prognosis from the doctors was just that...initial...as Anton has come out of this and survived and now is progressing well. My warrior child...fighting on! :)

Thankfully I am able to handle all these and am still standing strong and sane till now. The wind has been strongly knocked out of me and has pulled me down mercilessly but I refuse to stay down for long. I thank my family genes of internal strength and having the control of not breaking down and breaking apart. Of course, practice makes perfect and I have had a lot of practice in the life's-trials-and-challenges" department. In fact, cheesy as it sounds but like Whitney Houston's song says, "I was not built to break, no, no...I got to know my own strength". 
And I have never been one for self-pity but when someone tells me to my face while I am really down, worried and despairing for my only son who is in pain and suffering that "there is nothing cruel in my life now", that just takes the wind out of me some more! Only someone who is not a parent could say that. Because when you are a parent, your world revolves around your children and not only on your own self. How can it not be cruel to know your child is sick and ailing and I cannot be there for him. No one has the right to diminish and consequently disrespect a mother's anguish for her suffering child!!! No one! :(

Other than that one negative thing, I and Bimboy and the family are so grateful and so ever thankful for all the prayers, love, concern, moral and financial support for Anton all through these 3 roller coaster months! 

Like I mentioned he still has a long way to go before he can be mobile and walking again but lots of good vibes abound and a positive energizing spirit surges through all our veins especially inside Anton that he will come out of this and get back to good health and a normal life again. He is my warrior child ... so brave and so strong and he is the "best poem, the masterpiece and shining star in my life". For that I am BLESSED!

Happy Birthday Mommy!

It was Mommy's 81st birthday yesterday - October 6, 2013 and she is spending it now in heaven. My sisters and I miss her so....5 months and 6 days since she passed away. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her and remember her vividly..all the memories and moments. I miss her so! :( The house in Pasadena has turned so quiet and lonely now without Mom around.

But Mom is gone now and I am sure quite happy and at peace now, especially since she has Lolo and Nanay, Tito Boy and Kiboy all around her now.

Happy Birthday Mommy!!!! I love you and miss you....

She is Gone... a poem by David Hawkins

You can shed tears that she is gone,
Or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all she’s left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her,
Or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
Be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she’d want:
Smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

When Life has you feeling Down, Keep these Words in Mind...

Beam me up please?

Just when the waves have ebbed a bit for my brother, here come the waves of grief and minggaw come crashing down again in me for Mommy. Mommy is gone now and decided that April 30, 2013 was the day she said goodbye to her earthly life. Though I, Lalay and Jojing have prepared ourselves for this eventuality since last year, there is no balm or magic pill that prevents us not to still feel the pain and grief of her loss, nothing can erase the lonely and sad emotion that our mother is not with us anymore.  But  Mommy is home now.... she is now resting and at peace and reunited with her beloved parents, Lolo Jose and Nanay and only brother, Tito Boy and best of all, she and Kibs are now together. I can just imagine how much joy Mom felt when Kiboy welcomed her into his arms...in a tight embrace of love, eternal peace and joy - a mother and son reunited.  This scenario in my mind and heart of Mom and Kibs reuniting is important and is of significance that only Mom and I can understand. When Kibs died last year, Mom took it all in quietly and calmly without any tears or verbal anguish and not once did she ask me about his illness or any of the circumstances of his passing. In short, Kibs death was too painful for her to think about or vocalize in any way - so Mom never asked or talked to me about Kibs since then. She buried her grief deep down and shut it out and tuned out of it. And when Mom died, our dear aunt Tita Eunice Lopez pointed out to me that now Mom is set free from her "lu-om sa dughan" (deep despair in the depths of her heart) ...in short Mom is now free from the heavy burden of grief she surpressed when faced with Kibs sudden death. Now they are  both together and now only have shining light, peace, endless joy and happy hearts in the place up there, where no pain, sorrow, and unhappiness will ever touch them  again.

And so...beam me  up please???????? While doing my early morning walk around the neighborhood, I could not help but miss Mommy. I used to accompany her on weekends for her short morning walking exercises. Mom spent the last 3 years of her life in our little house in Pasadena and so it is inevitable that not a day goes by that I am not reminded of her and the memories we shared living together.

So this morning while walking, I heard the song by Pink "Beam me Up" and I just wished I could be "beamed up" for a minute to see Mommy as I was missing her so much. Wouldn't be great to just be beamed up even for a minute to be face to face with loved ones who have passed? When the waves of grief and longing crash its waves down on our faltering spirits and heart, we wish that our departed love ones were still with us.

Mom died in her sleep on April 30th - I could not wake her up anymore for her evening medication. She just went peacefully but unexpectedly in her sleep. And I was not even able to say goodbye. But Mommy is home now and happily so. She was laid to rest in Queen City Memorial Park beside Lolo Jose, Nanay Flavia and Tito Boy Muana and they are now complete and together with the addition of Kibs.  
That is our family in heaven now, our angels watching over us. There will still be waves of grief and sad remembrance ebbing and crashing into my own and my sisters' and father's hearts and there will be lots of times when I still wish to be beamed up no matter how impossible it may be, but through the tears and sadness, the memories of Mommy and Kibs would always warm my heart and still put a smile to my face. 

Beam Me Up - by Pink

The gift of sisterhood that Kiboy left behind....

When someone dies so young, especially when it is a child of a family you know, it is just feels like so close to home and to your heart. And so then the all too familiar pangs of sadness and burdening weight of grief and sorrow again becomes the unwelcome but unstoppable visitor to your heart. This visitor does not even need to acknowledge its presence and knock - it just barges in and once again relieves and inflicts the heavy feelings of unbearable lost and pain on the family going through a death in the family. In this case it is the family who loved and un-officially adopted my brother to their family and treated him like part of their family...the Pacis Family.

Their young nephew of 23, the same age as my son, the son of Tina Pacis Quano recently passed away from cancer after a courageous and inspiring albeit a painful battle. So young and still so full of life...but a life cut short.  I did not know Miguel personally, nor he of me,  but I knew of him and also feel the grief of his loss. I can just imagine the searing and unbearable pain and sadness  his family now is feeling especially his Mom and Dad and siblings and for all the Pacis and Quano families. My deepest condolences to the whole family!

And of course, any death in the family of someone I know again brings out the usual rewind of emotions with Kibs own death. That is an inevitable consequence of losing a beloved family member....who also died too young.... and also from cancer. And more so now because this is happening to the Pacis family who were like Kibs 2nd family in Cebu. As I have always mentioned previously, my brother was not a stay-at-home person  and always liked to hang-out somewhere with his cousins and friends. And so he spent a lot of time hanging out in the Pacis household in Lahug when he was younger. The Pacis siblings of 2 brothers and 6 sisters were all close to Kiboy and because he was always in their house he became an adopted member of the family. When Kibs died, the Pacis siblings especially the sisters Susan, Grace, Gin, Tina and Emmy all sincerely reached out to Jojing and me and expressed their condolences and also told us heartwarming stories of my brother during their Lahug days. What struck me most was how they all collectively told me and Jojing that they also grieved for the death of a brother...as Kibs was like an adopted brother to them. I was so touched at how much they all cared and loved my brother like their own. During our hour of grief when Kibs passed, the Pacis sisters indeed gave me and Jojing so much comfort with their consoling messages and their loving and good memories of Kibs. And Kiboy all brought us together...Pacis sisters and Murillo sisters.  And up to now, every Sunday, their Mom, Tita Franz always places a bouquet of flowers in Kibs grave after she visits her husband's grave. That is how much Kiboy is loved and cherished by the Pacis family. And I am sure the feeling was mutual as Kibs was always happy to be around all of them and I am sure felt a lot of respect, affection and familial love for them. Gin Pacis said it so aptly that "Kiboy all brought us together...and love is never lost". That love evolved into the a sisterhood that became a gift to us from Kiboy. The Pacis sisters were all there for us when Kiboy passed and showed us how much Kibs meant to them....told us funny stories of Kibs and shared good and happy memories of their time with him. What a heartwarming legacy my brother left for us....the connection to a wonderful and kind and loving family as the Pacis family...and the gift of an extended sisterhood.

Now the Pacis family is going through their own time of grief and sorrow with the passing of Miguel. I may not be in Cebu now but I am with them fervently in spirit and thoughts and offering my silent prayers for all of them to find comfort in the abundance of love and affection for Miguel and his short but well lived life in this earth. For a very loving, caring and sharing family like the Pacis family, I am sure they are all now surrounded with a lot of support, comfort, kindness and understanding and abounding love for Miguel's passing. I pray they gain strength and needed comfort from all the prayers and love of people sharing their condolences. May Miguel rest in peace......

Moments in time....and the veil that never leaves us.

There are still a lot of times  I am caught off guard, feel a sudden pang of shock and still go down the path of heart-wrenching disbelief and non-acceptance of the pain and loss... that I have to shake myself physically, open my eyes wide,  breathe deeply in and out, let out a big cleansing sigh and force my mind to accept and get back to the present moment. And that present moment is the reality that Kibs has passed on and is not here anymore. There are moments when I think of Kibs as still alive and I have to call or talk to him about something and then realize it is not possible anymore. Out of the blue, a sudden thought or memory makes me think of Kibs like he was still alive. Those are the moments in time  that catch me off-guard and so I have to shake myself out of it immediately after the initial shock of again realizing that he has died already. The heart will always remember our loved ones who have passed on and memories of them both bring us so much joy and also so much sadness...and those moments in time bring them back to us, even just for a short time. And there is always that "veil" we acquire and that will never leave us....no matter how much time and "moving on" and acceptance we have garnered for ourselves. That is the invisible veil of melancholy and subdued sadness that will  shroud our being and will always show up once in awhile in our day to day lives.

And while cleaning out some house stuff last night, I saw pictures of his 2009 visit here and again could not believe that I will not see him again...that he is gone..etc. etc..etc... and that  permament broken record/mantra repeats itself over and over again in my mind and heart again, 9 months after he has died. And in a way I could blame my brother for it a little. If he did not have such a disarming smile and was a sour and glum person, then I would not be missing him so much.  :)  But he was exactly the opposite and so he is to blame for not being a hard person to love and miss...:)  I guess it is just because my best memory of my brother is his sunny, smiling and accepting facial smile expression everytime we see each other...and always with his upbeat and skippy walk. And if you look at pictures of him, he always has that signature sunny-upbeat-accepting smile plastered in his face! Now that he is gone, that image whether in pictures or in my mind, is exactly what gets to me! That is when the veil of sadness again descends on my shoulders  silently and sleathily and shrouds me and again opens up and puts salt on a recovering grief-wounded heart. I now have made the invisible veil of sadness and remembrance  an inanimate friend and companion of mine. Not that I enjoy its company, but since it will never go away anymore and will always descend on me once in awhile when remembering Kibs and his death, I have come to accept being shrouded with my veil now and then. This veil just lingers all around me and my family and to all those who loved and knew Kibs in his lifetime. When my sisters and I talk about Kibs now and reminisce or recount his life, we can now do it without tears but there will always be pauses and quiet moments in between our conversations  and in my mind, I imagine the shroud and veil  falling in between us. It is like a curtain falling down in front of you when a show ends.  But for me, the good thing is that I also believe in the opposite motion of what ever comes down will always go up. And so the curtain and veil does go up and in my case, the moments of sadness do come so often but they also do not stay permanently. The veil does still open up to bright and sunny skies and smiles and laughter and funny and happy memories of Kibs.  

When I look at pictures of him now, I still cannot reconcile the smiling-full-of-life Marlon/Kibs now gone and silenced. The acceptance of that truth and undeniable fact will always be a struggle to me. He was one of those people who saw the world as his oyster and a place he could conquer. He was always big on ideas and plans and projects and with his inquisitive mind, was open to anything under the sun, whether it was an idea, a belief, a project, or even a superstition. He was truly an "I-open-my-arms-to-the-world" kind of person.  How can you not miss a person like that forever? In his short life, he indeed had his good times and bad times. We all go through our own heaven and hell periods in our lives here on earth...just like Kibs did. But I could imagine that even through his tough and bad periods, he still faced the day with acceptance and a sunny and smiling disposition. As they say, "you can't keep a good man down". But of course, his fate was to leave us on May 21, 2012. And that good man didn't stay down but instead went up to heaven. And he is so missed everyday...by me! 

Christmas in Heaven

Merry Christmas Kibs! This is the first christmas without you... I love you and I miss you!

 And Missing Tita Nora too! She is now spending Christmas in Heaven too.........

"Kalag-kalag"....

It was All Souls Day in the Philippines and so we remembered all our loved ones who have passed. I miss the pinoy tradition of visiting them in the cemetery and meeting up with all the relatives and friends who are doing the same. It usually is a merry reunion of friends and families alike come Nov. 1 & Nov 2 in the Philippines. The cemetery turns into a sea of lights and people. And how I wish I was there to visit my brother's grave and all the rest of the relatives! But I am with them in spirit and know all of them are resting in peace.


Nov. 2 is a day for "The Commemoration of All the Faithful Departed" for Catholics. And my brother, Kibs is now one of the "faithfully departed". Who would think he is now the one being visited in Cempark Memorial and only last year, he was the one visiting Cempark and Queen City Memorial? Jojing always asks Kibs to buys the flowers and candles for the graves and they visit Queen City Memorial together. Now it is Kibs grave that has the flowers and the candles. Kibs grave reads "Marlon Murillo October 27, 1956 - May 21, 2012". Seeing his handwriting on his grave does brings back so much memories of him. It is again a trying week for the family having to go through todos los santos or in Cebuano, kalag-kalag with Kibs now on the other side.

Happy Birthday Kibs!!!!

Today, Oct. 27th is Kibs 56th birthday. Happy Birthday Kibs! Though you are not with us anymore, you are always in our hearts and minds and I send my birthday greetings up to you in heaven today. I miss you so much everyday and most especially today on your birthday. Mommy, Daddy and the girls surely have their own individual reflective and somber thoughts of you today and though it may seem like a sad day without you here with us anymore, it is still a Happy Birthday to you celebrating in heaven! How wonderful your birthday up there must be.... :)

It has been 6 months since Kibs passed and it feels both like it was only yesterday and also like a lifetime ago. Though the days for me have been lighter and manageable when I remember my brother, this week has been a little bit tough for the memories past and for the thought of celebrating Kibs birthday without him anymore. Mom had to be hospitalized again last week at the Arcadia Methodist Hospital because of internal bleeding.The last time Mommy was confined in Arcadia Methodist was 3 years ago in 2009 when she had her near fatal heart attack. Kibs flew out here all the way from the Philippines to stay with me for 4 months to help me care for Mommy. He would spend the day in the hospital with Mom while I was at work and coordinate with the doctors for the daily medical updates to Mom's condition. He took time out of his life in Cebu to come here to take care of Mom when she was sick and help me too. So when I was walking around in the Methodist hospital this past week, I was feeling so melancholic because I remembered Kibs so much around the hospital. I missed his reassuring presence and calm demeanor in the face of Mom's serious health crisis then.  Last week when Mom had to be rushed again to the Emergency and then ICU because she was vomiting a lot of blood, I did not feel any panic and had this uncanny calm feeling and knew that though Mom's condition again seemed serious, I was not worried and knew she would overcome this health setback and recover from this. While following the ambulance taking Mom to the hospital last Tuesday, as I was nearing the hospital I "talked" to Kibs like I usually do while driving alone and I just felt like he was with me in spirit and was letting me know that Mom would be alright. It seemed I could hear his voice in my head saying "Mom will be alright Pinks".  And then a calm and soothing feeling settled in me and that was when I knew Kibs was watching over Mom and me still. So after 1 week  in the hospital, Mom is now back home and recovering well.  Thank God and yes Kibs was still taking care of Mom.  In the hospital Mom kept repeating over and over again that Kibs bday was coming up on Oct. 27th. And just this afternoon at home, she again reminded me of his bday today and kept saying "Ekieboy, Ekieboy, Ekieboy". It seemed like she was just chanting his name or calling out to him in prayer or just saying his name over and over again because she was missing him.  And it kind of broke my heart hearing her say his name over again as it felt to me that  it was a mother calling out to her first born...56 years ago, the unico hijo and first child was born... and 56 years after he is gone too.... gone too soon.

I read the article about Queen Latifah and  how she felt when she lost her brother and I easily could relate and intensely feel the same way as she does. It indeed does feel like I have lost a limb or a part of me when Kibs died. Of course every loss of a loved one breaks your heart and also takes a part of your life away. But the way Queen Latifah described the loss of her brother as an amputation seemed so real and so apt as to how I also feel without Kibs here anymore.  But what strikes me about this article  is the straightforward line that  like Queen Latifah,eventually, I will need to " rebuild parts of myself and find a way to live without the limb". Our whole family will now have to live without Kibs and though the loss and pain is still so fresh and still so hard to bear, eventually each of us will find our own way to deal with it.
         
Everybody dreams and dreams can be different for a lot of people. I read that creative people have vivid dreams. So naturally I will concur that I am not a creative person mainly because I do not have vivid dreams. I mostly cannot remember my dreams when I wake up and I know for sure that I only have black and white  dreams, never color. That speaks a lot about the "not creative" part in me.... :)

However my very creative and crafty sister, Lalay, does get the vivid and meaningful dreams which she shares with me from time to time. And sometimes she has dreams that come true or carry a very significant message worth analyzing. And just last September, 4 months after Kibs death, she dreamt of him and it gave me much comfort and joy to know that Kibs sent a message thru her dream. In her own words and with her permission, anyone who knows my brother Kibs would just smile while reading Lalay's account of her dream below as it is so Kibs and certainly such a comforting message that he is happy and at peace now in heaven....

"I had a very strange dream of Kibs. I was watching some sort of parade and there was a big float coming in the shape of a pirate ship. There on the deck was Marlon dressed as a pirate and smiling. I looked up as the float seemed like it was up floating very high and I told Marloni how glad I was to see him and that I was very sorry that I had negative feelings about his illness initially. He just cocked his head to one side and suppressed a smile as if to say 'ikaw ha!'. It was at that moment that I knew this was not just a simple dream but this was really Marlon talking to me because that was so him. Why he was a pirate, that's the strange bit..but then dreams are always strange. I asked Marlon to get down so I could give him a hug and he said that it was 'not allowed'. He said he was just given permission to show himself but it was against the rules to linger and give me a hug. He looked happy and he smiled all the time. then the pirate ship floated up higher and he was gone but a photograph of him in the pirate ship floated down and I picked it up from the ground. As I picked it up, I heard his voice from above telling me not to worry about him and to tell YOU and JOJING that he was okay. I woke up not even feeling sad..I felt sort of relieved. 

So knowing how Kibs is, I was so happy and comforted to hear of this dream of Lalay with a specific message for Jojing and me. He was bidding us goodbye and he was on his way up going into the light. And so today on his birthday, I am sure Kibs is smiling his shining light up there partying! Happy Birthday Kibs! We love you and we miss you dearly!

P.S. Jojing's birthday gift for Kibs was bringing Marcus, Kibs son to Hongkong for a short trip. Anton also got to tag along, thanks to his Tita too :).

A Life that mattered... and a birthday for our....Hotchie!

It is going to be almost 4 months since Kibs passing and I miss him every day. I just took it for granted that my brother would be around all my life. So call it regrets or missed opportunities but now that he is gone, there are so many "I wish... I should haves.. and what-ifs" things I would have wanted to experience with Kibs. It is really true that we do take a lot of things in our lives for granted every day, including people in our lives, not intentionally and certainly not in a bad way though. Kibs and I always lived our lives geographically apart ever since our college days and only got together every few years or so. The last time we spent together was 3 years ago when he was here to help me care for Mommy. He was scheduled to come back next month in October and stay on for a few months to spend the xmas holidays with Mom and me. But alas, that was not to be. So I mention regrets, missed opportunities and feelings of ruefulness because I still wish Kibs was still here so I could have a "do-over"...and would have told him this and told him that...and spent more time with him....or did this or did that for him...or shared this or shared that...with him. But alas (again!) this was not meant to be. He had to leave this life early and there is no do-over. :(

But these 4 past months have been quite a revelation too as Kibs death also gave me so much clarity and insight into his life and the way he lived it. And so the saying above spoke volumes to me when I read it as I immediately related it to my brother's life. The bottomline for me was....Kibs lived a life that mattered! Before he died, he built, he shared, he lived a life with character and significance and most of all, he lived a life that mattered and lived it with love. Nevermind that Kibs had a lot of ups and downs and challenges...more than we sisters had. He still lived his life the best way he could and tried to do right. He just didn't have enough time.That is why I always mention his signature smile and hold on tightly to that image of him smiling because to me, that smile just says it all about how my brother lived his life.

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On another happier and more merrier note, Hotch just celebrated her birthday....yesterday Philippine time and today in US time. And Hotch is no other than our youngest in the family, Jojing, the youngest of us 3 sisters.

In our family, my siblings and I all have 2 names each, one real, legal one and the 2nd one, a nickname or "angga." Our dearly departed brother Marlon was called "Ekieboy", me (Rita) as "Pinky", then Carla as "Lalay" and Josephine as "Jojing". But with Mommy, she had a special angga for Jojing. Mommy called Jojing "Hotch". This was slang for "hotchie pina", the bisayan version of "josefina"...hence the name Hotch. You will never hear Mom address Jojing with any other name except "Hotch"! And today is Hotch's birthday! So to our youngest sister, Happy Birthday Hotch!!!!!

Hotch or Jojing was the little princess in our family when she came into the world 51 years ago. She was the cutest baby and as a little child, she looked like a little Shirley Temple with curly hair and blushing red chubby cheeks. She was the kind of little baby and little girl you would love to make "kusi" to her cheeks because she was just that irresistably cute as a button! :) Being the youngest in the family did have its advantages as everyone doted on her and by her time, Mommy was not as strict and stern anymore as she was with us older kids. As the youngest, she was showered with a lot of attention and actually spoiled in more ways than one. I guess that is how youngest siblings are and of course we older siblings are the ones who spoil them. And then of course, we  all grew up and had our own lives and just now look back fondly to those childhood days.

Though I know Jojing's birthday is not as happy as it should be without Kibs now there celebrating in Cebu with her, I am positive and hopeful that she will have a very good 51st year in her life! This year, Jojing like all of us had to go through Kibs loss and just recently she also had to let go of her job at United Airlines where she spent 21 years of her life with. She put in for early retirement and is now "landed"....

Though she is feeling 2 losses now, Kibs loss and the end of her United career, I am sure managing the 7 David Salon branches in Cebu will keep her very busy while being landed now. My sister is one amazing woman...she is still so much a baby sister to me and Lalay being the youngest, but she has evolved to become someone I am so proud to call my sister, a very accomplished woman of the world. She might have a headstrong and stubborn streak in her but she has the biggest heart and has always been such a kind and loving sister, daughter, aunt, cousin and friend to her family and friends alike. She amazed me with her strength of steel when Kibs was sick and dying and she was a source of strength and inspiration to me so many times in my own life. So today, on her natal day, I celebrate the blessing of a sister in Jojing! Happy Birthday Jing! I love you and thank God for you!

Clouds and the blue skies....and an angel brother.

It will be 3 months since Kibs death and though it seems like only yesterday, it also seems like a lifetime ago in the sense that grief and the pain of loss makes us feel so old inside. When your heart gets so challenged with pain, hurt, loss, sickness or unbearable sorrow, it drains all the energy and life inside you somehow. There are days when I just do not have the energy to face the day. Silly as it sounds, the day after our family learned that Kibs was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer stage 4 in April, I started dreading my daily drives to work and dreaded sleeping at night. I am the type who loves driving and have always found joy in my quiet time on my daily drive to work. This is the time while driving when I pray and let my thoughts center on good intentions for me and my family for the day. But that fateful April day when I learned Kibs was diagnosed with a fatal disease, my daily drives to work have been so disrupted with troubled thoughts and emotions, constant anxiety, anguish, tears and torment at the thought of Kibs illness....and his eventual death. I would heave a sign of relief once I got to my office desk as I know work will be able to distract my thoughts and energy away  for the day. And then when night and sleeping time comes, again the usual agitation and stress re-surfaces as sleep becomes so elusive with a broken heart and spirit. When I close my eyes, I always see Kibs face in my mind and of course, the torrent of all the memories come crashing down on me. It is as if I am dumped into a big black hole and feeling so helpless with the overwhelming emotions of missing my brother all over again. And that big black hole was in my heart... :(

After my brother died, I stopped going to mass and even stopped praying. I didn't try to analyze why or think about it....I just stopped and could not pray or go to mass anymore and didn't want to really know why. I could not sleep at nights and I just seemed to coast through the days the best way I could. I felt so unhinged and overwhelmed inside and could not accept that Kibs was gone.  My sisters and I had to go through a few ups and downs with Dad's own situation of how he was handling his own grief. All of us were in pain but each of us (Dad, Mom and my sisters) had our own way of dealing with our pain. And it is universal in this world that everyone has their own battles and challenges in life and everyone has their own measure of pain, hurt and sorrow that comes with those challenges. But there are moments when we are engulfed with sorrow and despair, that it is hard to focus and get on with the day. Pain is pain and it is very personal to you so sometimes it is just better to let it be. It is ok to feel the sadness and emptiness. And we try to handle it the best way we can...in our own way. Not that we all do not also have our moments of pure joy and happiness, sunshine and rainbows too...because there is still joy and happiness in this world. There is always light and hope for a new day....

So after 3 months, that hope and light has returned slowly into my life. The dark veil of grief has slowly lifted.  Time indeed can be a friend....I  have finally accepted that Kibs is gone physically and I  can now smile instead of cry when I remember him. Whereas I used to dread waking up to the pain of knowing he is not here anymore, I now bounce out of bed in the morning and open the front door in the house to peer out into the clear blue skies. I have not gone crazy but I now see Kibs up there in the heavens and that is what has helped me feel better now and helped me cope and ease the loss. I see Kibs smiling face up there in the clear blue skies and that image puts a smile in heart and brightens my day.  I talk to him everyday and actually feel and know he is with me in spirit. Sometimes, I even hear his voice  in my mind saying "Hi Pinks" when I greet him in the mornings. Like I now know and have experienced, grief is a very personal thing and it is certainly a process for everyone who has lost a loved one. Coping daily is a constant struggle as we never know what is in store as we all have our good and bad days. In my case, it seems I am having less bad days as before... which certainly is a good thing. :)  That means I am now coping enough as I have finally accepted that my brother is gone from this earth. It was too painful before to realize the finality of his death. But   I can now look up to the clear blue skies and smile at the thought of Kibs up there looking down on me. I know he is now looking down and watching over me and our family. 


Kibs and me in one of our driving trips - 2009



Kibs - Santa Monica Pier 2009



I clearly remember a scene in 2009 when we were in the car driving to San Francisco and Kibs was peering out into the skies. California has mostly clear, crisp, sunny blue skies and that day was no different. Kibs immediately took out his camera and was so enthusiastic at how beautiful the blue skies were that day and started taking pictures of the blue sky. It was a real picture-perfect clear sunny day and my brother's enthusiasm and appreciation of the blue skies and pretty clouds that day stuck to my mind.

So now when I look up and see the expanse of the blue, clear skies and pretty clouds, I remember Kibs and can see his smiling face looking down at me. It is now a big comfort to know that Kibs is our family's angel watching over all of us. 

Birthday!

Today is my birthday and it is so heartwarming to get a lot of birthday wishes from friends far and wide in the globe. And of course Facebook just brings the world closer when friends, old and new, near or far, post their birthday greetings on your wall. So to all those who spent a second or two posting birthday greetings on my wall, who sent me text and email messages and those who called, thank you all for the special remembrance on my natal day! I am blessed and grateful for this day that we can call our own special day....the day we were born. And so 54 years ago, Rita Marinela Muana-Murillo (Pinky) was born around 11 am. :)

The past 3 months have been the most challenging months in my family's life and it can still be a struggle daily. And even though today is a happy day for me as a birthday celebrant, it is still inevitable that I still feel incomplete since I will not be getting one special greeting anymore....and that would be the usual yearly heartfelt email greeting from Kibs. My brother always was so prompt and always remembered all my special days.

Aug 2009 Birthday Lunch with Kibs, Anton and Gonzales family 



And the last birthday I spent with him was in 2009 when he was here to help care for Mom. You never know what life has in store for you. I would never have even the inkliest thought in 2009 that it would be the last time I saw my brother. And so 3 years after, my 54th birthday is both a happy and sad day. I miss my brother so much everyday. And of course it makes me sad and teary (again!) but I also feel happy thinking he is now in heaven. And it is okay to be sad and missing our love ones who have passed on. Our love for them will never fade away and so that is why we will forever miss them!

For those of us who are left behind....

"The battle has just began....Para kanino ka gumigising? (who do you wake up for?)"..... Those were the words of Zsa Zsa Padilla when asked about living her life without Dolphy.

It is indeed hard to wake up to a day knowing a loved one is not there anymore. And for the parents, brothers, sisters, spouses, children, cousins, friends of all the 12 Aurora Colorado shooting victims, waking up today knowing that they lost a loved one is a battle in itself. You open your eyes and all you see is your loved one's face and the memories come flooding back in torrents and as always, the spear of sorrow and remembrance of memories stabs the heart with unbearable pain of longing and loneliness. My heart goes out to all those families and friends affected by this terrible tragedy in Aurora Colorado. All 12 lives were snuffed out so suddenly....gone too soon...too young to die! Who could imagine that one night in the movies could turn a lot of lives upside down with shocking sadness and unfathomable despair in an instant? So many questions must be going through the minds of all....the fathers, the mothers, the siblings, the spouses etc...and just the horror of those last few minutes of their lives is enough to haunt even those that do not know them personally. How much more for these families and friends who are now all broken-hearted with grief and even anger? There is no easy way or easy solution to handle the raw pain of grief and the realization that you will never see your son, daughter, sibling, partner or friend again. Never again....not in this lifetime.

In our case, my sisters and I are bereft of the presence of our eldest sibling and only brother in our lives. It has been 2 months since he passed away. He is now gone and we will never be able to see him physically, hear him, talk to him, smile or cry with him, hug and embrace him or just live together under the same sky, sun and moon and share the earthly life. I am positive though that he is now happily esconed in the place of pure light where there is is only joy and happiness and definitely no more pain and sadness. For me, it is too cool and so comforting and refreshing imagining Kibs being in heaven now interacting and being with Nanay, Lolo Jose, Tito Boy, Tito Romy and Tita Lalen and hopefully with Lolo Santos and Lola Susan too and other relatives. I imagine Kibs up there with his perpetual boyish smile and his always twinkling and no-judgment eye look...spending a heavenly happy carefree and God-blessed day in his new home. And to that I say - I truly envy my brother! And when God deems it time for me to be there too, then I say, I can't wait to see Kibs again. All in God's time....until we meet again, dear brother.

But till then...for those left behind by our loved ones who have passed on, life goes on for all of us. Though our hearts will continuously feel the pain and grief, time is still on our side and healing and coping with our loss will eventually get better. I deeply still miss Kibs a lot and still wish he was not gone...but I know he is watching over all of us now and smiling down on us.

My brother is now my guardian angel....how cool is that?