Backpack and computer...pants and shirt with tags on



Kibs - May 15, 2012

 I woke up this morning  to the email update from Jojing about Kibs that the cancer has now overrun his liver and so now it has affected his brain. His diseased liver is also pushing up on his lungs, hence he has trouble breathing and so he now has to be on oxygen to breathe. He is now very lethargic/weak and mostly sleeps and if awake is mostly confused and slurred in speech. And because the big C has now invaded Kibs brain, that means that what was the real core of my brother's talent and genius might now be gone....his intellect. Kibs has  good "ADHD"(hyperactivity) in the head as his brain could process one and a thousand thoughts non stop, so to speak. He has a brilliant mind and could engage anyone into conversing about any topic under the sun. He could devour a book anywhere he is and he could spew out business proposals or written documents with hardly a sweat on him. So with this cancer now invading his brain, he would not be doing any of  those mind things anymore.



Dad, Kibs and Jojing - May 14, 2012

 My sister Jojing, who has been Kibs angel of unconditional love and devoted care in Cebu, went to Kibs room in her house to tidy it up. We were all hoping his stint in the hospital was just short and he would be returning to Jojing's house. But it seems it might not be the case anymore as Kibs would be needing 24 hour medical care now. The first things Jojing saw in the room were his backpack and computer...those are the 2 things Kibs always has with him. Of course upon seeing those items, she could not help but breakdown in tears as the truth is that Kibs will not be needing them anymore. She also saw the pants and shirt she gifted him last Christmas with the tags still on them.  He must have been saving to wear it for a special occassion. It was too much heartwrenching for Jojing to be touching that shirt and pants with the tags still on. It makes us realize that in our lives we only have today for sure and tomorrow is not promised and sure  at all. Kibs has so much life, enthusiasm, talent, joy inside of him but God has other plans for him after all for his "tomorrow".  His laptop computer, which I bought for him on his 52nd birthday is a mine field of all his business proposals and projects and his researches...in short Kibs mini brain bank/extension. He had Anton, my son, download a lot of songs (oldies mostly)  and I am sure all his email correspondences with his sons and legion of friends were his treasures in there too. 

My sisters and I and especially my Dad now have to face the stone cold, brutal and most painful fact that our "real" Kibs might now be gone in mind and spirit though physically still struggling with this disease. I cannot endure to see my brother in this condition especially if he himself would be aware of how this cancer has now wasted him. I wish for him not to be aware and to comprehend this, if possible. It is too deep a trench of sorrow and despair that is being dug for all of the family to fall in....but with God's mercy and love, we will all get through this somehow.

I would like to make mention and acknowledge all the support for the family especially from our Muana, Murillo and Suson cousins and for all the other relatives and BFFs and friends who have all come out in support and love for Kiboy and all of us. My sisters and I and I am sure Kibs too find a lot of comfort in all your support and love for Kibs.  I know some of our dear cousins are really so saddened by this and their own past feelings of lost and missing their own dear departed love ones would naturally rise up and affect them all over again.  Family is family after all....no time, distance or circumstances can ever change that.

My Dad has been visiting Kibs every day and of course he is in despair as all of us. But he has been holding up so well and being strong through all of these. My sister, Lalay, will be arriving in Cebu this Friday from Dubai so that gives me great comfort and relief that Dad and Jojing will now have her to help them deal with the day to day medical stuff for Kibs. My sister, Lalay, is a take-charge-no-nonsense person and is strong enough to take emotions out of the way to do what needs to be done. Jojing has also shown so much fortitude through all of these and I am in awe, amazed, so proud of her and so grateful and thankful that our youngest sister has marched on bravely with so much love, heart, devotion and compassion to care for our  dying brother. I, on the other hand, is one big emotional mess (not really proud to admit it being the older of my 2 sisters)  and that is why there is this blog to help me cope. This was initially just a blog to talk to myself about my brother and put in words all the thoughts, memories and feelings welling up inside when I thought of Kibs.  But now that it is open to family and friends, I hope it will help them get a sense and perspective of Kibs, as a brother  and also ease their own sadness at Kibs  journey now.

Our mother however has not yet been told of Kibs condition. Mommy  had a near fatal major heart attack in July 2009 and she was 3 times on the brink of death then. Kibs (who was here at that time) and I credited her very good doctors and effective medical care here for pulling her through. She has since recovered and is stable now with her illnesses but of course is now in a wheelchair and also needs help with daily activities. Her mind is still as sharp but I know her heart might not be, especially if told of her first born and only son's irreversible condition. My sisters have left it up to me when I will reveal the sad news to Mommy. So it is a struggle now for me to time when I should be telling Mommy the very bad news. My Mom's usual day is mostly quiet and calm and she is content reading the newspapers, reading her prayer books and doing the daily crossword puzzle at home. I will eventually need to shatter that quiet time and rattle her out of her comfort zone to impart to her the devastating news of her son....it needs more praying for guidance for me and more storing up of strength reserves and building up courage to give my 80 year old frail mother heart searing news.  :(

A dear aunt from our childhood, Tita Thelma Suson shared this prayer which helped her when she was battling cancer before too....it is about trusting and surrendering to the Lord. Thank you Tita Thelma!

Prayer from St. Pio  - for Kibs and for all:

My past O Lord, to your mercy
My present O Lord, to your love
My future O Lord, to your Providence