Eye waterworks

I cry everyday when I think of my brother.....and this is not being melodramatic about it ...and I should be handling this a bit better and getting a grip on myself ...and I should be more stronger than this... and should not be overwhelmed by my sadness and tears.... and I should be strong and conquer my fears and misery....etc etc etc.... .BUT those are the "SHOULD BE's"  and what one should be feeling and acting in a parallel world where there is no sickness, pain, hurt and suffering.  This real world ...my world now, where the sun still shines bright and where  the birds still merrily chirp me awake in the mornings at home, where there is a lot to open your arms to as blessings and joy in life, is a real world..but  this real world of mine the past  three (3) weeks has just been laden with a breaking heart, lots of unbidden tears and profound heartsick sadness and sorrow. it is just still too painful to accept and think that my brother's life in this earth is now only a matter of months, maybe even weeks and not years.

We would not be "growing old" together after all.............. :(


Solvang, California 2008

Being the 2 oldest in the family, it was supposed to happen that we would age into the "golden years" together. We are a generation duo just like our 2 younger sisters are together in their own generation. Kibs and I have a comfortable sibling relationship and though he was at times a burden and headache to the family, he always knew the boundaries when it came to our relationship as siblings. He deferred more to me like I was the oldest of the siblings mainly because he has been negligent a lot of times before in the "being responsible and not screwing up your life" department. Hence he lost the title of being the "eldest" thru those bad phases in his life. And I naturally got designated by default then as the oldest one especially since I had 2 sisters after me. But even with the "demotion" in the family heirarchy, Kibs and I still blended well together. I especially felt so much gratitude and added love for my brother in 2009 when he came over to help me care for Mom when Mom had her heart attack. It was a time of sadness too and stress with Mommy struck down with an almost fatal heart attack. And he did not think twice when Jojing and I asked him to take time off from his  job in Cebu and come for a few months to California to help me with caring for Mom. I would not have made it thru those stressful months without Kibs and his positive, calm and accepting helpful attitude. He was Mom's care giver then and actually was mine too. One sentence or one word from me and he would get what I meant. And one sugo (command) from me and he was doing it without complaint. He actually knows how I think and so that is why we blend so well....more so now in our "golden years."

San Francisco Golden Gate Bridge 2008

So the constant tears are for the knowledge that my very talented, bright, amiable, upbeat, breezy, mild mannered, sociable, engaging  and loving big brother will soon be leaving us. His condition has greatly deteriorated in a span of 3 weeks and Jojing had to bring him back to the hospital yesterday. He is now very weak and thin, in constant pain, erratically lucid and speaks in a raspy voice. The big C has reduced my brother to this and robbed me of our "growing old together"  time.

He was supposed to come to the US this year for a visit to see Mom and me. And so there will be no more long drives and long conversations with my brother. And I cannot even hug him and say goodbye....so how can I not cry and have continuous eye waterworks with that reality ?????????