Christmas in Heaven

Merry Christmas Kibs! This is the first christmas without you... I love you and I miss you!

 And Missing Tita Nora too! She is now spending Christmas in Heaven too.........

"Kalag-kalag"....

It was All Souls Day in the Philippines and so we remembered all our loved ones who have passed. I miss the pinoy tradition of visiting them in the cemetery and meeting up with all the relatives and friends who are doing the same. It usually is a merry reunion of friends and families alike come Nov. 1 & Nov 2 in the Philippines. The cemetery turns into a sea of lights and people. And how I wish I was there to visit my brother's grave and all the rest of the relatives! But I am with them in spirit and know all of them are resting in peace.


Nov. 2 is a day for "The Commemoration of All the Faithful Departed" for Catholics. And my brother, Kibs is now one of the "faithfully departed". Who would think he is now the one being visited in Cempark Memorial and only last year, he was the one visiting Cempark and Queen City Memorial? Jojing always asks Kibs to buys the flowers and candles for the graves and they visit Queen City Memorial together. Now it is Kibs grave that has the flowers and the candles. Kibs grave reads "Marlon Murillo October 27, 1956 - May 21, 2012". Seeing his handwriting on his grave does brings back so much memories of him. It is again a trying week for the family having to go through todos los santos or in Cebuano, kalag-kalag with Kibs now on the other side.

Happy Birthday Kibs!!!!

Today, Oct. 27th is Kibs 56th birthday. Happy Birthday Kibs! Though you are not with us anymore, you are always in our hearts and minds and I send my birthday greetings up to you in heaven today. I miss you so much everyday and most especially today on your birthday. Mommy, Daddy and the girls surely have their own individual reflective and somber thoughts of you today and though it may seem like a sad day without you here with us anymore, it is still a Happy Birthday to you celebrating in heaven! How wonderful your birthday up there must be.... :)

It has been 6 months since Kibs passed and it feels both like it was only yesterday and also like a lifetime ago. Though the days for me have been lighter and manageable when I remember my brother, this week has been a little bit tough for the memories past and for the thought of celebrating Kibs birthday without him anymore. Mom had to be hospitalized again last week at the Arcadia Methodist Hospital because of internal bleeding.The last time Mommy was confined in Arcadia Methodist was 3 years ago in 2009 when she had her near fatal heart attack. Kibs flew out here all the way from the Philippines to stay with me for 4 months to help me care for Mommy. He would spend the day in the hospital with Mom while I was at work and coordinate with the doctors for the daily medical updates to Mom's condition. He took time out of his life in Cebu to come here to take care of Mom when she was sick and help me too. So when I was walking around in the Methodist hospital this past week, I was feeling so melancholic because I remembered Kibs so much around the hospital. I missed his reassuring presence and calm demeanor in the face of Mom's serious health crisis then.  Last week when Mom had to be rushed again to the Emergency and then ICU because she was vomiting a lot of blood, I did not feel any panic and had this uncanny calm feeling and knew that though Mom's condition again seemed serious, I was not worried and knew she would overcome this health setback and recover from this. While following the ambulance taking Mom to the hospital last Tuesday, as I was nearing the hospital I "talked" to Kibs like I usually do while driving alone and I just felt like he was with me in spirit and was letting me know that Mom would be alright. It seemed I could hear his voice in my head saying "Mom will be alright Pinks".  And then a calm and soothing feeling settled in me and that was when I knew Kibs was watching over Mom and me still. So after 1 week  in the hospital, Mom is now back home and recovering well.  Thank God and yes Kibs was still taking care of Mom.  In the hospital Mom kept repeating over and over again that Kibs bday was coming up on Oct. 27th. And just this afternoon at home, she again reminded me of his bday today and kept saying "Ekieboy, Ekieboy, Ekieboy". It seemed like she was just chanting his name or calling out to him in prayer or just saying his name over and over again because she was missing him.  And it kind of broke my heart hearing her say his name over again as it felt to me that  it was a mother calling out to her first born...56 years ago, the unico hijo and first child was born... and 56 years after he is gone too.... gone too soon.

I read the article about Queen Latifah and  how she felt when she lost her brother and I easily could relate and intensely feel the same way as she does. It indeed does feel like I have lost a limb or a part of me when Kibs died. Of course every loss of a loved one breaks your heart and also takes a part of your life away. But the way Queen Latifah described the loss of her brother as an amputation seemed so real and so apt as to how I also feel without Kibs here anymore.  But what strikes me about this article  is the straightforward line that  like Queen Latifah,eventually, I will need to " rebuild parts of myself and find a way to live without the limb". Our whole family will now have to live without Kibs and though the loss and pain is still so fresh and still so hard to bear, eventually each of us will find our own way to deal with it.
         
Everybody dreams and dreams can be different for a lot of people. I read that creative people have vivid dreams. So naturally I will concur that I am not a creative person mainly because I do not have vivid dreams. I mostly cannot remember my dreams when I wake up and I know for sure that I only have black and white  dreams, never color. That speaks a lot about the "not creative" part in me.... :)

However my very creative and crafty sister, Lalay, does get the vivid and meaningful dreams which she shares with me from time to time. And sometimes she has dreams that come true or carry a very significant message worth analyzing. And just last September, 4 months after Kibs death, she dreamt of him and it gave me much comfort and joy to know that Kibs sent a message thru her dream. In her own words and with her permission, anyone who knows my brother Kibs would just smile while reading Lalay's account of her dream below as it is so Kibs and certainly such a comforting message that he is happy and at peace now in heaven....

"I had a very strange dream of Kibs. I was watching some sort of parade and there was a big float coming in the shape of a pirate ship. There on the deck was Marlon dressed as a pirate and smiling. I looked up as the float seemed like it was up floating very high and I told Marloni how glad I was to see him and that I was very sorry that I had negative feelings about his illness initially. He just cocked his head to one side and suppressed a smile as if to say 'ikaw ha!'. It was at that moment that I knew this was not just a simple dream but this was really Marlon talking to me because that was so him. Why he was a pirate, that's the strange bit..but then dreams are always strange. I asked Marlon to get down so I could give him a hug and he said that it was 'not allowed'. He said he was just given permission to show himself but it was against the rules to linger and give me a hug. He looked happy and he smiled all the time. then the pirate ship floated up higher and he was gone but a photograph of him in the pirate ship floated down and I picked it up from the ground. As I picked it up, I heard his voice from above telling me not to worry about him and to tell YOU and JOJING that he was okay. I woke up not even feeling sad..I felt sort of relieved. 

So knowing how Kibs is, I was so happy and comforted to hear of this dream of Lalay with a specific message for Jojing and me. He was bidding us goodbye and he was on his way up going into the light. And so today on his birthday, I am sure Kibs is smiling his shining light up there partying! Happy Birthday Kibs! We love you and we miss you dearly!

P.S. Jojing's birthday gift for Kibs was bringing Marcus, Kibs son to Hongkong for a short trip. Anton also got to tag along, thanks to his Tita too :).

A Life that mattered... and a birthday for our....Hotchie!

It is going to be almost 4 months since Kibs passing and I miss him every day. I just took it for granted that my brother would be around all my life. So call it regrets or missed opportunities but now that he is gone, there are so many "I wish... I should haves.. and what-ifs" things I would have wanted to experience with Kibs. It is really true that we do take a lot of things in our lives for granted every day, including people in our lives, not intentionally and certainly not in a bad way though. Kibs and I always lived our lives geographically apart ever since our college days and only got together every few years or so. The last time we spent together was 3 years ago when he was here to help me care for Mommy. He was scheduled to come back next month in October and stay on for a few months to spend the xmas holidays with Mom and me. But alas, that was not to be. So I mention regrets, missed opportunities and feelings of ruefulness because I still wish Kibs was still here so I could have a "do-over"...and would have told him this and told him that...and spent more time with him....or did this or did that for him...or shared this or shared that...with him. But alas (again!) this was not meant to be. He had to leave this life early and there is no do-over. :(

But these 4 past months have been quite a revelation too as Kibs death also gave me so much clarity and insight into his life and the way he lived it. And so the saying above spoke volumes to me when I read it as I immediately related it to my brother's life. The bottomline for me was....Kibs lived a life that mattered! Before he died, he built, he shared, he lived a life with character and significance and most of all, he lived a life that mattered and lived it with love. Nevermind that Kibs had a lot of ups and downs and challenges...more than we sisters had. He still lived his life the best way he could and tried to do right. He just didn't have enough time.That is why I always mention his signature smile and hold on tightly to that image of him smiling because to me, that smile just says it all about how my brother lived his life.

                **************************************

On another happier and more merrier note, Hotch just celebrated her birthday....yesterday Philippine time and today in US time. And Hotch is no other than our youngest in the family, Jojing, the youngest of us 3 sisters.

In our family, my siblings and I all have 2 names each, one real, legal one and the 2nd one, a nickname or "angga." Our dearly departed brother Marlon was called "Ekieboy", me (Rita) as "Pinky", then Carla as "Lalay" and Josephine as "Jojing". But with Mommy, she had a special angga for Jojing. Mommy called Jojing "Hotch". This was slang for "hotchie pina", the bisayan version of "josefina"...hence the name Hotch. You will never hear Mom address Jojing with any other name except "Hotch"! And today is Hotch's birthday! So to our youngest sister, Happy Birthday Hotch!!!!!

Hotch or Jojing was the little princess in our family when she came into the world 51 years ago. She was the cutest baby and as a little child, she looked like a little Shirley Temple with curly hair and blushing red chubby cheeks. She was the kind of little baby and little girl you would love to make "kusi" to her cheeks because she was just that irresistably cute as a button! :) Being the youngest in the family did have its advantages as everyone doted on her and by her time, Mommy was not as strict and stern anymore as she was with us older kids. As the youngest, she was showered with a lot of attention and actually spoiled in more ways than one. I guess that is how youngest siblings are and of course we older siblings are the ones who spoil them. And then of course, we  all grew up and had our own lives and just now look back fondly to those childhood days.

Though I know Jojing's birthday is not as happy as it should be without Kibs now there celebrating in Cebu with her, I am positive and hopeful that she will have a very good 51st year in her life! This year, Jojing like all of us had to go through Kibs loss and just recently she also had to let go of her job at United Airlines where she spent 21 years of her life with. She put in for early retirement and is now "landed"....

Though she is feeling 2 losses now, Kibs loss and the end of her United career, I am sure managing the 7 David Salon branches in Cebu will keep her very busy while being landed now. My sister is one amazing woman...she is still so much a baby sister to me and Lalay being the youngest, but she has evolved to become someone I am so proud to call my sister, a very accomplished woman of the world. She might have a headstrong and stubborn streak in her but she has the biggest heart and has always been such a kind and loving sister, daughter, aunt, cousin and friend to her family and friends alike. She amazed me with her strength of steel when Kibs was sick and dying and she was a source of strength and inspiration to me so many times in my own life. So today, on her natal day, I celebrate the blessing of a sister in Jojing! Happy Birthday Jing! I love you and thank God for you!

Clouds and the blue skies....and an angel brother.

It will be 3 months since Kibs death and though it seems like only yesterday, it also seems like a lifetime ago in the sense that grief and the pain of loss makes us feel so old inside. When your heart gets so challenged with pain, hurt, loss, sickness or unbearable sorrow, it drains all the energy and life inside you somehow. There are days when I just do not have the energy to face the day. Silly as it sounds, the day after our family learned that Kibs was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer stage 4 in April, I started dreading my daily drives to work and dreaded sleeping at night. I am the type who loves driving and have always found joy in my quiet time on my daily drive to work. This is the time while driving when I pray and let my thoughts center on good intentions for me and my family for the day. But that fateful April day when I learned Kibs was diagnosed with a fatal disease, my daily drives to work have been so disrupted with troubled thoughts and emotions, constant anxiety, anguish, tears and torment at the thought of Kibs illness....and his eventual death. I would heave a sign of relief once I got to my office desk as I know work will be able to distract my thoughts and energy away  for the day. And then when night and sleeping time comes, again the usual agitation and stress re-surfaces as sleep becomes so elusive with a broken heart and spirit. When I close my eyes, I always see Kibs face in my mind and of course, the torrent of all the memories come crashing down on me. It is as if I am dumped into a big black hole and feeling so helpless with the overwhelming emotions of missing my brother all over again. And that big black hole was in my heart... :(

After my brother died, I stopped going to mass and even stopped praying. I didn't try to analyze why or think about it....I just stopped and could not pray or go to mass anymore and didn't want to really know why. I could not sleep at nights and I just seemed to coast through the days the best way I could. I felt so unhinged and overwhelmed inside and could not accept that Kibs was gone.  My sisters and I had to go through a few ups and downs with Dad's own situation of how he was handling his own grief. All of us were in pain but each of us (Dad, Mom and my sisters) had our own way of dealing with our pain. And it is universal in this world that everyone has their own battles and challenges in life and everyone has their own measure of pain, hurt and sorrow that comes with those challenges. But there are moments when we are engulfed with sorrow and despair, that it is hard to focus and get on with the day. Pain is pain and it is very personal to you so sometimes it is just better to let it be. It is ok to feel the sadness and emptiness. And we try to handle it the best way we can...in our own way. Not that we all do not also have our moments of pure joy and happiness, sunshine and rainbows too...because there is still joy and happiness in this world. There is always light and hope for a new day....

So after 3 months, that hope and light has returned slowly into my life. The dark veil of grief has slowly lifted.  Time indeed can be a friend....I  have finally accepted that Kibs is gone physically and I  can now smile instead of cry when I remember him. Whereas I used to dread waking up to the pain of knowing he is not here anymore, I now bounce out of bed in the morning and open the front door in the house to peer out into the clear blue skies. I have not gone crazy but I now see Kibs up there in the heavens and that is what has helped me feel better now and helped me cope and ease the loss. I see Kibs smiling face up there in the clear blue skies and that image puts a smile in heart and brightens my day.  I talk to him everyday and actually feel and know he is with me in spirit. Sometimes, I even hear his voice  in my mind saying "Hi Pinks" when I greet him in the mornings. Like I now know and have experienced, grief is a very personal thing and it is certainly a process for everyone who has lost a loved one. Coping daily is a constant struggle as we never know what is in store as we all have our good and bad days. In my case, it seems I am having less bad days as before... which certainly is a good thing. :)  That means I am now coping enough as I have finally accepted that my brother is gone from this earth. It was too painful before to realize the finality of his death. But   I can now look up to the clear blue skies and smile at the thought of Kibs up there looking down on me. I know he is now looking down and watching over me and our family. 


Kibs and me in one of our driving trips - 2009



Kibs - Santa Monica Pier 2009



I clearly remember a scene in 2009 when we were in the car driving to San Francisco and Kibs was peering out into the skies. California has mostly clear, crisp, sunny blue skies and that day was no different. Kibs immediately took out his camera and was so enthusiastic at how beautiful the blue skies were that day and started taking pictures of the blue sky. It was a real picture-perfect clear sunny day and my brother's enthusiasm and appreciation of the blue skies and pretty clouds that day stuck to my mind.

So now when I look up and see the expanse of the blue, clear skies and pretty clouds, I remember Kibs and can see his smiling face looking down at me. It is now a big comfort to know that Kibs is our family's angel watching over all of us. 

Birthday!

Today is my birthday and it is so heartwarming to get a lot of birthday wishes from friends far and wide in the globe. And of course Facebook just brings the world closer when friends, old and new, near or far, post their birthday greetings on your wall. So to all those who spent a second or two posting birthday greetings on my wall, who sent me text and email messages and those who called, thank you all for the special remembrance on my natal day! I am blessed and grateful for this day that we can call our own special day....the day we were born. And so 54 years ago, Rita Marinela Muana-Murillo (Pinky) was born around 11 am. :)

The past 3 months have been the most challenging months in my family's life and it can still be a struggle daily. And even though today is a happy day for me as a birthday celebrant, it is still inevitable that I still feel incomplete since I will not be getting one special greeting anymore....and that would be the usual yearly heartfelt email greeting from Kibs. My brother always was so prompt and always remembered all my special days.

Aug 2009 Birthday Lunch with Kibs, Anton and Gonzales family 



And the last birthday I spent with him was in 2009 when he was here to help care for Mom. You never know what life has in store for you. I would never have even the inkliest thought in 2009 that it would be the last time I saw my brother. And so 3 years after, my 54th birthday is both a happy and sad day. I miss my brother so much everyday. And of course it makes me sad and teary (again!) but I also feel happy thinking he is now in heaven. And it is okay to be sad and missing our love ones who have passed on. Our love for them will never fade away and so that is why we will forever miss them!

For those of us who are left behind....

"The battle has just began....Para kanino ka gumigising? (who do you wake up for?)"..... Those were the words of Zsa Zsa Padilla when asked about living her life without Dolphy.

It is indeed hard to wake up to a day knowing a loved one is not there anymore. And for the parents, brothers, sisters, spouses, children, cousins, friends of all the 12 Aurora Colorado shooting victims, waking up today knowing that they lost a loved one is a battle in itself. You open your eyes and all you see is your loved one's face and the memories come flooding back in torrents and as always, the spear of sorrow and remembrance of memories stabs the heart with unbearable pain of longing and loneliness. My heart goes out to all those families and friends affected by this terrible tragedy in Aurora Colorado. All 12 lives were snuffed out so suddenly....gone too soon...too young to die! Who could imagine that one night in the movies could turn a lot of lives upside down with shocking sadness and unfathomable despair in an instant? So many questions must be going through the minds of all....the fathers, the mothers, the siblings, the spouses etc...and just the horror of those last few minutes of their lives is enough to haunt even those that do not know them personally. How much more for these families and friends who are now all broken-hearted with grief and even anger? There is no easy way or easy solution to handle the raw pain of grief and the realization that you will never see your son, daughter, sibling, partner or friend again. Never again....not in this lifetime.

In our case, my sisters and I are bereft of the presence of our eldest sibling and only brother in our lives. It has been 2 months since he passed away. He is now gone and we will never be able to see him physically, hear him, talk to him, smile or cry with him, hug and embrace him or just live together under the same sky, sun and moon and share the earthly life. I am positive though that he is now happily esconed in the place of pure light where there is is only joy and happiness and definitely no more pain and sadness. For me, it is too cool and so comforting and refreshing imagining Kibs being in heaven now interacting and being with Nanay, Lolo Jose, Tito Boy, Tito Romy and Tita Lalen and hopefully with Lolo Santos and Lola Susan too and other relatives. I imagine Kibs up there with his perpetual boyish smile and his always twinkling and no-judgment eye look...spending a heavenly happy carefree and God-blessed day in his new home. And to that I say - I truly envy my brother! And when God deems it time for me to be there too, then I say, I can't wait to see Kibs again. All in God's time....until we meet again, dear brother.

But till then...for those left behind by our loved ones who have passed on, life goes on for all of us. Though our hearts will continuously feel the pain and grief, time is still on our side and healing and coping with our loss will eventually get better. I deeply still miss Kibs a lot and still wish he was not gone...but I know he is watching over all of us now and smiling down on us.

My brother is now my guardian angel....how cool is that?

Homegrown boy...the newbie in me.....and Kibs other sister.

When a beloved family member has passed on, every day is remembrance day. No matter how long ago our loved one has been gone, be it a mother, a father, a husband or a wife, a child or a sibling....every day is remembrance day for memories past. The memories are bittersweet and certainly both happy and sad. In my case, this is the first time a member of my immediate family has passed on. So I am a "newbie" in this, so to speak. But a newbie who is really having a hard time going through this tough time. But one thing I am indeed thankfulfor everyday  is  that God has mercifully extended our earth time with both parents compared to most of my cousins and friends who have already lost either their fathers or mothers or both. And the feelings of lost and painfully missing those dead family members is still so evident as I see how my cousins and friends still miss their fathers and mothers as if it was only yesterday that they passed away. I now join them as the newbie in this ride of grief and loss....

Special occassions like Father's Day like last weekend only highlights the raw feelings of "kaminggaw" and the fervent wishes of "I-wish-you-were-still-here". We collectively thought of and dearly missed our Tito Romy, Tito Boy and other fathers who have passed on. And of course the newest one is Kibs. And being the newbie, there are moments that still catch me off guard....like last Sunday, I was about to write a Happy Father's Day email to Kibs (which I usually do) and then I stopped in my tracks as it hit me that he is not here anymore. They call it a reflex action...but that reflex action just triggered the unbearable hollow pang of pain to the reality again that Kibs is now gone. I tell myself over and over and over again... "get it to your head and heart that he is gone now, get a grip, accept it and move on"... But when you lose a beloved family member, there is no moving on - you go on but you cannot move on because moving on means leaving it behind or erasing it from your life or forgetting about it. I could never move on from losing Kibs, all I can do is to go on with my life and get the peace and comfort to accept his untimely death, eventually. Meantime, this newbie is just trying to get through the day, hoping for more strength to weather the memory triggers that hit ever so often.

My cousin Yoy sent me such a loving, heartwarming and oh so comforting email about Kibs. Yoy is the closest girl cousin we have from the Muana side - she being the only girl in a family of 5 brothers. And...Yoy is the sister Kibs never had actually - and I say that with much love and gratitude with no offense to my other 2 sisters, Jojing and Lalay. And I know for sure that Kibs meant no offense to his own 3 sisters the way he cared about Yoy as a sister. I and my 2 sisters had travel in our bloods even when we were young so it was no wonder that the 3 of us would leave Cebu, study in Manila and eventually live in different continents, away from Cebu. Kibs on the other hand also went to Manila for his studies and work and then worked in the Middle East a few times and eventually came back home to Cebu and stayed for good. When he first visited me here in the US, I told him to think about coming to live here too. With Kibs, any new idea is worth a thought and analysis so he did think seriously about that possibility to relocate here. But he knew in his heart that Cebu will always be his home as he loved living in Cebu. Cebu was where his comfort zone was, where his cousins-friends were and where he belonged. Kibs was after all the homegrown boy who loved walking the streets of Cebu and felt so at home in the presence of cousins and relatives and just ordinary Cebu folks. He was born in Cebu and just almost a month ago today , he died in Cebu. So today, June 21st, it would be 1 month since Kibs died. And this one month seems like forever....

But there are lots of moments of comfort and joy when I remember my brother. And even in death, his goodness and humanity still shines through when I hear the good (and even bad) stories about him and when I feel the love that surrounds him even when he is not around anymore.

I have learned that grief is a very personal thing and it is only you that can take a ride in your own kind of grief as everyone handles their grief differently. I have always thought of myself as a strong and resilient person but when Kibs was diagnosed with the deadly cancer in April and suffered and died a month after, I didn't feel any strength in me at all even if my sister Lalay kept chiding me to "be strong". Instead all I felt was despair and overwhelming sorrow and great sadness. I was a mess and couldn't find any internal strength to weather my despair for my brother's illness and eventual death. It was and still is so hard to deal with losing my one and only brother. I do not feel the same strength and resilience I usually have in myself when faced with life's challenges. It just seemed to just have gone out of the window. That is my kind of own personal grief. My Dad has his own way of dealing with Kibs death.... he visits Kibs grave almost every day and since he lives in Mactan, he endures the traffic to and from the Mactan bridge every day just so he could get to sit and visit with Kibs and Tito Romy in Cempark at Banilad. I can imagine how big the hole in his heart is with missing his son.

And so with Yoy's permission, I quote what she wrote about Kibs. She knew him like a cousin-sister would and saw all that was good in him. She showered him with care and unconditional affection and I knew Kibs reciprocated with his own. Since we, his sisters were not living in Cebu, he turned to Yoy and found the comfort of family and the comfort of a sister most especially. Kibs was a very loving person who showered a lot of geniune affection to his cousins and friends in Cebu. Reading Yoy's email about Kibs gave me such a calm sense of comfort and helped ease the grief a lot. It does wonders for me to know how much my brother was loved and appreciated for who he was...good deeds and warts and all....

Yoy says.....

Yes, Pinks, we did love Kiboy with a love that was total and unconditional. It didn’t matter what he did, his weaknesses, or his mistakes in life. We loved him for himself, warts and all. Deep down inside, he was basically a good person despite all his flaws. The admirable thing about Kibs was that he strove to do the right thing. Sure, he sowed his wild oats but somehow, he would manage to clean himself up and stay sober........

I didn’t see any of his “wild” side. It’s not something that’s done openly after all. I heard stories about it but never saw it. I guess I was lucky. I prefer to think of his good side – his superior intelligence, his eloquence, the vast range of his knowledge, his artistic talent, his cheerful personality. He was probably a genius but like many geniuses, he had his demons. Family was very important to him. I guess the family gave him a sense of belonging that anchored him down. His thoughtfulness and generosity were so touching. I told Lalay and Jojing about all the pasalubong he gave me every time he traveled abroad. He always had something for me when he came back. I treasure them all the more today.

The morning after the funeral, I just missed him so much, it had brought on another waterworks episode. Suddenly, the phone rang but when I answered, there was nobody on the line. In my mind, the thought popped out, "Kibs, is that you?" Then I chided myself for watching too many Ghost Whisperer and Medium shows. But it did stop my crying quite effectively. Later that afternoon, as I read your blog, the tears started flowing again. It was so bad that my nose got very stuffy. Then, believe it or not, Pinks, despite my stuffy nose, I smelled flowers -- the same strong scent of the flowers surrounding Kibs' coffin at St. Peter's. I knew it was Kiboy telling me, "Stop crying, Yoy. I'm in a better place now." It felt like he was bidding me goodbye. Yes, I do believe he's in a better place now, Pinks. No more suffering, no weaknesses of the flesh, no more problems or struggles. He’s free now.

Kibs was the first of our generation to go. It’s hard to accept the death of a loved one who was still in the prime of his life. Maybe as we grow older, we will be more accepting of death and not view it as something sad and final but maybe a transition into something better................


Bonifacio Cousins

So in Yoy, I found a kindred spirit who is grieving like me. And she told me that talking about Kibs makes his memory live on and so that is what we both are doing together. Yoy understood Kibs so well so it has comforted me a lot to hear her memories of my brother.

Our other cousins also have their own special memories of Kibs and I hope one day, we could sit down and all swap and share stories of Kibs and laugh instead of cry like I do now.

Sanson Subdv cousins

My other cousin Alonso has mentioned a future reunion of the Sanson Subdivision cousins and though Kibs would not be around anymore for that future reunion, I am sure he would be so tickled pink to know he would be a major topic.

So it is indeed okay to talk about Kibs, remember all the memories of him, good and bad, funny and sad...cry some, laugh a lot and just revel in the life he lived and cherish in the heart the love we all feel for him.

And in closing, this saying is a sobering thought....dedicated to all my cousins.

A life adjustment.....going on with life without Kibs

Today is the 17th day since Kibs has passed and up to now,  the voice in my head still keeps repeating the mantra "I cannot believe I will not see my brother again". It is as clear as day that of course Kibs is now gone from this earthly life forever and of course I will not see him again. But even that stark reality still cannot jar me to stop that mantra in my head - it still is so unbelievable to me that I will not see Kibs anymore! When a fact is too painful to face, it seems manageable to just be in denial. The everyday waterworks has abated but just like the ebb tides of the seas, it still comes and goes. I am glad for the ebbing though and some normalcy has returned to daily living though it is now a challenge in more ways than one.

But the suffocating and searing heart pain of losing Kibs is here to stay. "Grief" is the name of my new friend. It is with me everyday now and will never go away (I hear) but will lessen over time. And a best friend has cautioned me that this is just the start of a long difficult process....I still have a long way to go! The sadness and sorrow can be overwhelming at times and I can now understand why they say that mourning the loss of a love one can last for months and years. But as they say 'time heals all wounds" ...but whether it is still a fresh loss like our Kibs or lots of years has passed since a loved one's passing, the heart will always have a broken part inside that is irreplacable and never stops hurting. Time may eventually temper the grief of loss but it will not go away. I  have now learned and experienced that little triggers just makes the memories attack you, rattle the broken part in your heart and then grief stares you right back in the face again.

I know Kibs would not want us in the family or his close cousins and beloved friends to keep on mourning his death and continue on feeling sad and desolate for losing him. So I try to concentrate on the good memories of my brother. I know Kibs would want us all to go on and live our lives as best as we could. So if Kibs was to send a message to me now....it would certainly be something like the quoted saying below. I imagine him comfortingly telling me....

............ “May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back. 

May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields. 

And until we meet again, May God hold you in the hollow of his hand.”

Goodbye dearest brother.....till we meet again........

Kibs was finally laid to rest on Friday past 3pm beside Tito Romy. Grief has a way of paralyzing and suffocating you and at the same time, breaking your heart to a hundred little pieces that you just want to be swallowed by the earth. Seeing Kibs white coffin being lowered and entombed from sight...and seeing Daddy,quietly crying but definitely all broken up inside was one of the hardest sight to see. My sisters and I have lost a brother and my Dad and Mom are parents who have lost their only son. My Dad, most especially has lost his buddy-buddy and lunch time partner. I still cannot breathe when I will myself to face the reality that I will never see my brother again....and we all have to go on from this. Goodbye Kibs, you will be so greatly missed! I will miss most the spring in your step and your signature smile....  

 I'm Free

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free,
I'm following paths God made for me
I took his hand I heard him call
Then turned, and bid farewell to all.

I could not stay another day
To laugh, to love, to sing, to play
Tasks left undone must stay that way
I found my peace... at close of play

And if my parting left a void
Then fill it with remembered joy
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss
Ah yes, these things I too will miss.

Be not burdened deep with sorrow
I wish you sunshine of tomorrow
My life's been full I've savoured much
Good friends, good times, a loved one's touch.

Perhaps my time seemed all too brief
Don't lengthen it now with grief
Lift up your hearts and share with me,
God wants me now. He set me free.

poem Author: Unknown

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Eulogy for Kibs

Today we celebrate the life of my brother, Marlon Raymond Muana Murillo, or Kibs to the family. Everyone is gathered here today in memory of Kibs so that we may celebrate together the joy of his life and share the pain of his untimely passing. Though he is gone, he will forever be in our hearts.

My brother Kibs was just 55 years old when he passed away last Monday at Perpetual Succour Hospital. He was born on October 27, 1956 to Frank and Ciony and was the oldest and only son in a family consisting of 3 other sisters, myself, Lalay & Jojing. Kibs was born into this world like a beam of sunshine to my parents and grandparents as he was the first apo of the Murillo clan. Like all first borns, he became the “shining star” of the family. And he lived up to that image all through our childhood. Growing up from babyhood, Kibs was a precocious little boy and delighted everyone with his outgoing and charming personality. At a very young age he was already exceptionally smart and brainy and already was a talker, non-stop sometimes that it was irritating to both kids and adults alike. :)

Kibs, my sisters and I all had a wonderful and extraordinarily memorable childhood growing up in Sanson Subdivision with all the Muana and Suson cousins. Summer vacation was the best times around the Sanson subdivision with all the kids out and about playing non-stop the whole day. I distinctly remember how enterprising Kibs was then when he charged our cousins a fee to play with his toys. He had the best toys in the neighborhood so all the boy cousins would come to his room to play…hence the play fee. J Those childhood times with my brother and all the cousins will always be memorable times to cherish.

My brother Kibs always had an unending thirst and quest for knowledge. He was the type that would always try to learn something about everything and everything about something. That was why anyone who knows him would agree that Kibs possessed a brilliant mind. He was also a very sociable person who loved being with people and came alive in the company of his cousins and long time friends and even total strangers…mostly with a bottle of beer on hand. What amazed me about my brother’s personality was how he always had an upbeat, friendly, positive and sunny attitude. And of course you would always see that light hearted signature sunny smile plastered on his face. For sure, Kibs has had his own life’s ups and downs just like the rest of us, but he never was one to sulk and let the troubles of life get him down for long. He was always up and about and you could always bet on him walking the streets to go to a friend or cousins house to hang out. You could say, Kibs was a “strike anywhere” kind of person. Now he will be jauntily walking up there in heaven finding someplace to hang out in.

But most important of all, my brother was a gentle and kind hearted soul. He was a calm person and always saw the good in other people, was patient and never judgmental and never was quick to criticize or complain. With that signature smile on his face, he would just turn the other cheek to bad situations and shrug his shoulders and move on. He was a very loving father, a devoted son, a caring brother, uncle, cousin, friend and always was more concerned about other people than himself.

He fought the good fight with his cancer till the end. Kibs could be real stubborn and he showed it with his fighting spirit. The family had to appeal many times to him to let go and to rest and stop his suffering. My brother fought a brave battle for the whole month he was sick…it was so heartbreaking to see how unbelievably fast his health was fading and how he was suffering in pain. At 7:45am on May 21st, Marlon Raymond Muana Murillo, Ekieboy, Kiboy, Kibs, Marloni was no more. 


Kibs leaves us all with broken hearts, flowing tears and profound sadness. We will all miss him dearly and remember painfully all the memories of our times with him. But he would not want us to be grieving for him and instead would want us to celebrate his life with ardent joy and heartfelt and loving remembrance of memories past. Kibs lived a full life.

Goodbye dear brother, we bid you adieu. We will miss you so much….We love you and thank God for the gift that is you. 

Rest in peace….till we meet again.

Celebration of life

A new journey for our Kibs begins....my brother has left this world and died peacefully this morning, May 21st at around 8am (Phil time) and around 5pm on May 20 Sunday (US time). His journey in this world has now ended and he is on to another brilliant and heavenly journey up there.....


Our hearts are broken to pieces that Kibs has now ventured on out of this mortal life. But he is now in a better place of light, pure love, unending peace and a place where pain and suffering will not touch my brother again. I can just picture his signature excited smile when he sees the welcoming faces of Nanay, Lolo Jose, Tito Boy Muana, Tita Lalen and Tito Romy Murillo, Lolo Santos and Lola Susan Murillo. He was the "wonder boy" apo when we were kids so I am sure they will all be happy to see him walking with the spring in his step into the pearly gates of heaven. With that happy reunion scenario in my mind, I am blanketed with a wave of comfort and joy amidst the stabbing pain of grief and loss.  


I was able to say my last goodbyes to him when I asked Marjorie (his care giver) to put the phone in his ear. I had to be strong and let him go just as he had to stop fighting and just rest his tired body. I just realized that I have been a pest to my sisters in Cebu.... as I have been calling them nonstop at home and in the hospital everyday and also skyping with them asking for the minute details about how our brother is doing...did he wake up/is he in pain/what are the doctor's saying/how is Dad doing, etc, etc? I also call up Kibs hospital room daily and talk to his care giver and also talk to Kibs though he could not answer back  anymore but  I know he heard me.  Kibs has not woken up for 2 days and his organs were failing. It was only a matter of time and Jojing and Dad agreed on a DNR yesterday.


I celebrate my brother's life that was full of a positive spirit and  a kind heart  and I celebrate him for the person that he was ...always a picture of a beaming, jolly and upbeat  and smiling person.


May he rest in peace and enjoy eternal bliss in God's kingdom. My family now has our own special Murillo angel up there............


Preliminary Info:
Wake is at St. Peter's Memorial Chapel in Imus till Friday. 
Funeral is scheduled on Friday at CemPark Banilad.

Fighting spirit and joy in this journey

I took a picture this morning of this saying in my desk with a vase of freshly picked roses from the garden. If Kibs could see this and read this saying, he would be nodding his head and agreeing and then tilting his head to the side, purse his mouth and then smile, his usual sunny smile. I call it now his "patented signature" smile.

So... "Find joy in every journey" ????? What joy??? And I would have said WTF! (silently and in my head only, of course). I have this "journey" saying hanging in my office wall because it is one of my favorites...only that it does not seem to make sense to find any joy in this journey of sickness, sadness and pain for Kibs and the family. His condition has turned from moderately bad to very bad now.  When Jojing brought him back to the hospital last Monday, the doctors found out that he has "hepatic encephalopathy". This is a worsening of the brain function because the liver is no longer processing normally and so the toxic substances have gone up to this brain. That was why he was acting very lethargic, confused and had slurred speech on Sunday. And his liver is now overrun with cancer cells and the damage to his liver is irreversible. :(

Jojing says the doctors are still hopeful though this hepatic encephalopathy can still be arrested and not worsen and Kibs still get his brain function back. Hence he has all these needles and tubes on both arms for the medicines, a nose tube for his feedings and oxygen for him to breathe. The lung xray showed his liver pushing up his lungs now hence his need for oxygen to aid in his breathing. And he is in constant pain. Dad, who has been so brave and holding it together these past weeks and has visited with Kibs everyday, has now showed some cracking because I am sure he cannot stand to see Kibs in pain with all the medical intervention being done on him. He told me that he wants to take Kibs home and just take care of Kibs himself. :(  Of course he denied saying that when Jojing asked him as that is not a feasible option at all for Kibs who would be needing 24 hour medical care now. It was just a very pained 79 year old parent feeling helpless he could not do anything to ease his son's suffering. Kibs now knocks off to sleep most of the time but from time to time wakes up for a few moments and still understands even if he cannot speak.  Kibs had to have restraints on his wrists because he was pulling out his nose tube and was so restless...restless because he is in so much pain.  But like all medical treatments, the goal is hopefully for the patient to get better or if not better, at least prevent the condition from worsening further. Only that it will involve all the tubes, needles, medications and pain. So I would like to rationalize that  this pain now for Kibs might equate to some hope for him to at least revert back to being lucid and alert and not lethargic and confused.

It is obvious that Kibs is fighting this. Maricel, a dear family friend, who visited Kibs yesterday reported that Kibs showed a lot of fighting spirit by trying to sit for her visit, managed a smile and nod and wanted to talk.  His brain may have become foggy but he seems to still understand and know what is going on around him. So there must still be hope for my brother's brain ....but the spirit might be willing and strong...that is evident now with Kibs. Only that his body is not. That is the reality.

So we come back to "where is the joy" in all of this? None at all. That would be me answering this question. If hypothetically we were to ask this of Kibs himself, given his  normal positive and optimistic outlook, he would contradict me and say there is still joy in this Big C journey. And he need not say it but knowing him, I am positive he is happy to feel the love and to see and know his family is rallying around him to support and care for him, he gets joy seeing his cousins and friends visiting him and knowing people are praying for him and thinking about him. Just like Maricel's visit to him yesterday, he insisted on making the nurse prop him up in bed amidst his tubes and restraints so he could see Maricel and try to interact with her, even if he could not speak. I am sure even if he was in pain then, he was still happy to see her visit him. Kibs, ever the social creature will not  let his illness and pain stop him from interacting with his visitors even if it is now beyond his strength and speech. He always liked to be around people, especially if it was hanging out with friends and cousins. In short, he is the real "tambay" kid. Being around people excites Kibs and he is in his element in a group...a social creature by nature.

Maricel told him about my blog and she said, he smiled. Social creature again. And he had her relay a message for Mommy and me...to let us know that he loves us.

So I dedicate the saying with the beautiful roses to my brother today. I would think he would want me to see some joy in this battle too. And with his own fighting spirit still evident, it is just right to still see the good things happening amidst the bad things the family is journeying in now. Hope, faith and the image of my brother's signature smile (in my mind and heart) will help me through.

Backpack and computer...pants and shirt with tags on



Kibs - May 15, 2012

 I woke up this morning  to the email update from Jojing about Kibs that the cancer has now overrun his liver and so now it has affected his brain. His diseased liver is also pushing up on his lungs, hence he has trouble breathing and so he now has to be on oxygen to breathe. He is now very lethargic/weak and mostly sleeps and if awake is mostly confused and slurred in speech. And because the big C has now invaded Kibs brain, that means that what was the real core of my brother's talent and genius might now be gone....his intellect. Kibs has  good "ADHD"(hyperactivity) in the head as his brain could process one and a thousand thoughts non stop, so to speak. He has a brilliant mind and could engage anyone into conversing about any topic under the sun. He could devour a book anywhere he is and he could spew out business proposals or written documents with hardly a sweat on him. So with this cancer now invading his brain, he would not be doing any of  those mind things anymore.



Dad, Kibs and Jojing - May 14, 2012

 My sister Jojing, who has been Kibs angel of unconditional love and devoted care in Cebu, went to Kibs room in her house to tidy it up. We were all hoping his stint in the hospital was just short and he would be returning to Jojing's house. But it seems it might not be the case anymore as Kibs would be needing 24 hour medical care now. The first things Jojing saw in the room were his backpack and computer...those are the 2 things Kibs always has with him. Of course upon seeing those items, she could not help but breakdown in tears as the truth is that Kibs will not be needing them anymore. She also saw the pants and shirt she gifted him last Christmas with the tags still on them.  He must have been saving to wear it for a special occassion. It was too much heartwrenching for Jojing to be touching that shirt and pants with the tags still on. It makes us realize that in our lives we only have today for sure and tomorrow is not promised and sure  at all. Kibs has so much life, enthusiasm, talent, joy inside of him but God has other plans for him after all for his "tomorrow".  His laptop computer, which I bought for him on his 52nd birthday is a mine field of all his business proposals and projects and his researches...in short Kibs mini brain bank/extension. He had Anton, my son, download a lot of songs (oldies mostly)  and I am sure all his email correspondences with his sons and legion of friends were his treasures in there too. 

My sisters and I and especially my Dad now have to face the stone cold, brutal and most painful fact that our "real" Kibs might now be gone in mind and spirit though physically still struggling with this disease. I cannot endure to see my brother in this condition especially if he himself would be aware of how this cancer has now wasted him. I wish for him not to be aware and to comprehend this, if possible. It is too deep a trench of sorrow and despair that is being dug for all of the family to fall in....but with God's mercy and love, we will all get through this somehow.

I would like to make mention and acknowledge all the support for the family especially from our Muana, Murillo and Suson cousins and for all the other relatives and BFFs and friends who have all come out in support and love for Kiboy and all of us. My sisters and I and I am sure Kibs too find a lot of comfort in all your support and love for Kibs.  I know some of our dear cousins are really so saddened by this and their own past feelings of lost and missing their own dear departed love ones would naturally rise up and affect them all over again.  Family is family after all....no time, distance or circumstances can ever change that.

My Dad has been visiting Kibs every day and of course he is in despair as all of us. But he has been holding up so well and being strong through all of these. My sister, Lalay, will be arriving in Cebu this Friday from Dubai so that gives me great comfort and relief that Dad and Jojing will now have her to help them deal with the day to day medical stuff for Kibs. My sister, Lalay, is a take-charge-no-nonsense person and is strong enough to take emotions out of the way to do what needs to be done. Jojing has also shown so much fortitude through all of these and I am in awe, amazed, so proud of her and so grateful and thankful that our youngest sister has marched on bravely with so much love, heart, devotion and compassion to care for our  dying brother. I, on the other hand, is one big emotional mess (not really proud to admit it being the older of my 2 sisters)  and that is why there is this blog to help me cope. This was initially just a blog to talk to myself about my brother and put in words all the thoughts, memories and feelings welling up inside when I thought of Kibs.  But now that it is open to family and friends, I hope it will help them get a sense and perspective of Kibs, as a brother  and also ease their own sadness at Kibs  journey now.

Our mother however has not yet been told of Kibs condition. Mommy  had a near fatal major heart attack in July 2009 and she was 3 times on the brink of death then. Kibs (who was here at that time) and I credited her very good doctors and effective medical care here for pulling her through. She has since recovered and is stable now with her illnesses but of course is now in a wheelchair and also needs help with daily activities. Her mind is still as sharp but I know her heart might not be, especially if told of her first born and only son's irreversible condition. My sisters have left it up to me when I will reveal the sad news to Mommy. So it is a struggle now for me to time when I should be telling Mommy the very bad news. My Mom's usual day is mostly quiet and calm and she is content reading the newspapers, reading her prayer books and doing the daily crossword puzzle at home. I will eventually need to shatter that quiet time and rattle her out of her comfort zone to impart to her the devastating news of her son....it needs more praying for guidance for me and more storing up of strength reserves and building up courage to give my 80 year old frail mother heart searing news.  :(

A dear aunt from our childhood, Tita Thelma Suson shared this prayer which helped her when she was battling cancer before too....it is about trusting and surrendering to the Lord. Thank you Tita Thelma!

Prayer from St. Pio  - for Kibs and for all:

My past O Lord, to your mercy
My present O Lord, to your love
My future O Lord, to your Providence

Eye waterworks

I cry everyday when I think of my brother.....and this is not being melodramatic about it ...and I should be handling this a bit better and getting a grip on myself ...and I should be more stronger than this... and should not be overwhelmed by my sadness and tears.... and I should be strong and conquer my fears and misery....etc etc etc.... .BUT those are the "SHOULD BE's"  and what one should be feeling and acting in a parallel world where there is no sickness, pain, hurt and suffering.  This real world ...my world now, where the sun still shines bright and where  the birds still merrily chirp me awake in the mornings at home, where there is a lot to open your arms to as blessings and joy in life, is a real world..but  this real world of mine the past  three (3) weeks has just been laden with a breaking heart, lots of unbidden tears and profound heartsick sadness and sorrow. it is just still too painful to accept and think that my brother's life in this earth is now only a matter of months, maybe even weeks and not years.

We would not be "growing old" together after all.............. :(


Solvang, California 2008

Being the 2 oldest in the family, it was supposed to happen that we would age into the "golden years" together. We are a generation duo just like our 2 younger sisters are together in their own generation. Kibs and I have a comfortable sibling relationship and though he was at times a burden and headache to the family, he always knew the boundaries when it came to our relationship as siblings. He deferred more to me like I was the oldest of the siblings mainly because he has been negligent a lot of times before in the "being responsible and not screwing up your life" department. Hence he lost the title of being the "eldest" thru those bad phases in his life. And I naturally got designated by default then as the oldest one especially since I had 2 sisters after me. But even with the "demotion" in the family heirarchy, Kibs and I still blended well together. I especially felt so much gratitude and added love for my brother in 2009 when he came over to help me care for Mom when Mom had her heart attack. It was a time of sadness too and stress with Mommy struck down with an almost fatal heart attack. And he did not think twice when Jojing and I asked him to take time off from his  job in Cebu and come for a few months to California to help me with caring for Mom. I would not have made it thru those stressful months without Kibs and his positive, calm and accepting helpful attitude. He was Mom's care giver then and actually was mine too. One sentence or one word from me and he would get what I meant. And one sugo (command) from me and he was doing it without complaint. He actually knows how I think and so that is why we blend so well....more so now in our "golden years."

San Francisco Golden Gate Bridge 2008

So the constant tears are for the knowledge that my very talented, bright, amiable, upbeat, breezy, mild mannered, sociable, engaging  and loving big brother will soon be leaving us. His condition has greatly deteriorated in a span of 3 weeks and Jojing had to bring him back to the hospital yesterday. He is now very weak and thin, in constant pain, erratically lucid and speaks in a raspy voice. The big C has reduced my brother to this and robbed me of our "growing old together"  time.

He was supposed to come to the US this year for a visit to see Mom and me. And so there will be no more long drives and long conversations with my brother. And I cannot even hug him and say goodbye....so how can I not cry and have continuous eye waterworks with that reality ?????????



Hands...in the family

It is common knowledge for those family and friends in Facebook that my sister Carla (Lalay to family) has flourished from a home craft hobbyist into a serious "mananahi" of bags, buntings, pillows and other stuff like this IPad case shown here.

And being the oldest of the 3 sisters, I have priority rights to "request" her to make me my own bag or craft that I fancy. One of those "requests" is the sleeve bag below for my Tablet.

But when I saw the 3rd picture of a hand (see below) modelling the IPad case, I did a double take and looked at it closely and told Lalay that it looked like Kibs hand rather than her hand. It was kind of weird for me as I always know this positioning of the hand when it came to Kibs. This to me really looked like Kibs's hand!

Kibs is an avid book reader and could just sit in one corner and silently read through a book and comprehend it so thoroughly in just one sitting. When you see him walking around, it is usually with a book in hand and that is how his hand is always positioned when he carries his book. Hence this picture of Lalay holding this case just gives my mind the picture of it being Kibs hand holding a book. Lalay also tells me that this is how our Nanay's hands look like too.



So much as this seems like a trifle topic of hands... it is of significance to me because the heartbreaking reality is that I will never get to see my brother jauntily walking down the street with a book in his hand...again....ever.... with the hands in the family.