Homegrown boy...the newbie in me.....and Kibs other sister.

When a beloved family member has passed on, every day is remembrance day. No matter how long ago our loved one has been gone, be it a mother, a father, a husband or a wife, a child or a sibling....every day is remembrance day for memories past. The memories are bittersweet and certainly both happy and sad. In my case, this is the first time a member of my immediate family has passed on. So I am a "newbie" in this, so to speak. But a newbie who is really having a hard time going through this tough time. But one thing I am indeed thankfulfor everyday  is  that God has mercifully extended our earth time with both parents compared to most of my cousins and friends who have already lost either their fathers or mothers or both. And the feelings of lost and painfully missing those dead family members is still so evident as I see how my cousins and friends still miss their fathers and mothers as if it was only yesterday that they passed away. I now join them as the newbie in this ride of grief and loss....

Special occassions like Father's Day like last weekend only highlights the raw feelings of "kaminggaw" and the fervent wishes of "I-wish-you-were-still-here". We collectively thought of and dearly missed our Tito Romy, Tito Boy and other fathers who have passed on. And of course the newest one is Kibs. And being the newbie, there are moments that still catch me off guard....like last Sunday, I was about to write a Happy Father's Day email to Kibs (which I usually do) and then I stopped in my tracks as it hit me that he is not here anymore. They call it a reflex action...but that reflex action just triggered the unbearable hollow pang of pain to the reality again that Kibs is now gone. I tell myself over and over and over again... "get it to your head and heart that he is gone now, get a grip, accept it and move on"... But when you lose a beloved family member, there is no moving on - you go on but you cannot move on because moving on means leaving it behind or erasing it from your life or forgetting about it. I could never move on from losing Kibs, all I can do is to go on with my life and get the peace and comfort to accept his untimely death, eventually. Meantime, this newbie is just trying to get through the day, hoping for more strength to weather the memory triggers that hit ever so often.

My cousin Yoy sent me such a loving, heartwarming and oh so comforting email about Kibs. Yoy is the closest girl cousin we have from the Muana side - she being the only girl in a family of 5 brothers. And...Yoy is the sister Kibs never had actually - and I say that with much love and gratitude with no offense to my other 2 sisters, Jojing and Lalay. And I know for sure that Kibs meant no offense to his own 3 sisters the way he cared about Yoy as a sister. I and my 2 sisters had travel in our bloods even when we were young so it was no wonder that the 3 of us would leave Cebu, study in Manila and eventually live in different continents, away from Cebu. Kibs on the other hand also went to Manila for his studies and work and then worked in the Middle East a few times and eventually came back home to Cebu and stayed for good. When he first visited me here in the US, I told him to think about coming to live here too. With Kibs, any new idea is worth a thought and analysis so he did think seriously about that possibility to relocate here. But he knew in his heart that Cebu will always be his home as he loved living in Cebu. Cebu was where his comfort zone was, where his cousins-friends were and where he belonged. Kibs was after all the homegrown boy who loved walking the streets of Cebu and felt so at home in the presence of cousins and relatives and just ordinary Cebu folks. He was born in Cebu and just almost a month ago today , he died in Cebu. So today, June 21st, it would be 1 month since Kibs died. And this one month seems like forever....

But there are lots of moments of comfort and joy when I remember my brother. And even in death, his goodness and humanity still shines through when I hear the good (and even bad) stories about him and when I feel the love that surrounds him even when he is not around anymore.

I have learned that grief is a very personal thing and it is only you that can take a ride in your own kind of grief as everyone handles their grief differently. I have always thought of myself as a strong and resilient person but when Kibs was diagnosed with the deadly cancer in April and suffered and died a month after, I didn't feel any strength in me at all even if my sister Lalay kept chiding me to "be strong". Instead all I felt was despair and overwhelming sorrow and great sadness. I was a mess and couldn't find any internal strength to weather my despair for my brother's illness and eventual death. It was and still is so hard to deal with losing my one and only brother. I do not feel the same strength and resilience I usually have in myself when faced with life's challenges. It just seemed to just have gone out of the window. That is my kind of own personal grief. My Dad has his own way of dealing with Kibs death.... he visits Kibs grave almost every day and since he lives in Mactan, he endures the traffic to and from the Mactan bridge every day just so he could get to sit and visit with Kibs and Tito Romy in Cempark at Banilad. I can imagine how big the hole in his heart is with missing his son.

And so with Yoy's permission, I quote what she wrote about Kibs. She knew him like a cousin-sister would and saw all that was good in him. She showered him with care and unconditional affection and I knew Kibs reciprocated with his own. Since we, his sisters were not living in Cebu, he turned to Yoy and found the comfort of family and the comfort of a sister most especially. Kibs was a very loving person who showered a lot of geniune affection to his cousins and friends in Cebu. Reading Yoy's email about Kibs gave me such a calm sense of comfort and helped ease the grief a lot. It does wonders for me to know how much my brother was loved and appreciated for who he was...good deeds and warts and all....

Yoy says.....

Yes, Pinks, we did love Kiboy with a love that was total and unconditional. It didn’t matter what he did, his weaknesses, or his mistakes in life. We loved him for himself, warts and all. Deep down inside, he was basically a good person despite all his flaws. The admirable thing about Kibs was that he strove to do the right thing. Sure, he sowed his wild oats but somehow, he would manage to clean himself up and stay sober........

I didn’t see any of his “wild” side. It’s not something that’s done openly after all. I heard stories about it but never saw it. I guess I was lucky. I prefer to think of his good side – his superior intelligence, his eloquence, the vast range of his knowledge, his artistic talent, his cheerful personality. He was probably a genius but like many geniuses, he had his demons. Family was very important to him. I guess the family gave him a sense of belonging that anchored him down. His thoughtfulness and generosity were so touching. I told Lalay and Jojing about all the pasalubong he gave me every time he traveled abroad. He always had something for me when he came back. I treasure them all the more today.

The morning after the funeral, I just missed him so much, it had brought on another waterworks episode. Suddenly, the phone rang but when I answered, there was nobody on the line. In my mind, the thought popped out, "Kibs, is that you?" Then I chided myself for watching too many Ghost Whisperer and Medium shows. But it did stop my crying quite effectively. Later that afternoon, as I read your blog, the tears started flowing again. It was so bad that my nose got very stuffy. Then, believe it or not, Pinks, despite my stuffy nose, I smelled flowers -- the same strong scent of the flowers surrounding Kibs' coffin at St. Peter's. I knew it was Kiboy telling me, "Stop crying, Yoy. I'm in a better place now." It felt like he was bidding me goodbye. Yes, I do believe he's in a better place now, Pinks. No more suffering, no weaknesses of the flesh, no more problems or struggles. He’s free now.

Kibs was the first of our generation to go. It’s hard to accept the death of a loved one who was still in the prime of his life. Maybe as we grow older, we will be more accepting of death and not view it as something sad and final but maybe a transition into something better................


Bonifacio Cousins

So in Yoy, I found a kindred spirit who is grieving like me. And she told me that talking about Kibs makes his memory live on and so that is what we both are doing together. Yoy understood Kibs so well so it has comforted me a lot to hear her memories of my brother.

Our other cousins also have their own special memories of Kibs and I hope one day, we could sit down and all swap and share stories of Kibs and laugh instead of cry like I do now.

Sanson Subdv cousins

My other cousin Alonso has mentioned a future reunion of the Sanson Subdivision cousins and though Kibs would not be around anymore for that future reunion, I am sure he would be so tickled pink to know he would be a major topic.

So it is indeed okay to talk about Kibs, remember all the memories of him, good and bad, funny and sad...cry some, laugh a lot and just revel in the life he lived and cherish in the heart the love we all feel for him.

And in closing, this saying is a sobering thought....dedicated to all my cousins.

A life adjustment.....going on with life without Kibs

Today is the 17th day since Kibs has passed and up to now,  the voice in my head still keeps repeating the mantra "I cannot believe I will not see my brother again". It is as clear as day that of course Kibs is now gone from this earthly life forever and of course I will not see him again. But even that stark reality still cannot jar me to stop that mantra in my head - it still is so unbelievable to me that I will not see Kibs anymore! When a fact is too painful to face, it seems manageable to just be in denial. The everyday waterworks has abated but just like the ebb tides of the seas, it still comes and goes. I am glad for the ebbing though and some normalcy has returned to daily living though it is now a challenge in more ways than one.

But the suffocating and searing heart pain of losing Kibs is here to stay. "Grief" is the name of my new friend. It is with me everyday now and will never go away (I hear) but will lessen over time. And a best friend has cautioned me that this is just the start of a long difficult process....I still have a long way to go! The sadness and sorrow can be overwhelming at times and I can now understand why they say that mourning the loss of a love one can last for months and years. But as they say 'time heals all wounds" ...but whether it is still a fresh loss like our Kibs or lots of years has passed since a loved one's passing, the heart will always have a broken part inside that is irreplacable and never stops hurting. Time may eventually temper the grief of loss but it will not go away. I  have now learned and experienced that little triggers just makes the memories attack you, rattle the broken part in your heart and then grief stares you right back in the face again.

I know Kibs would not want us in the family or his close cousins and beloved friends to keep on mourning his death and continue on feeling sad and desolate for losing him. So I try to concentrate on the good memories of my brother. I know Kibs would want us all to go on and live our lives as best as we could. So if Kibs was to send a message to me now....it would certainly be something like the quoted saying below. I imagine him comfortingly telling me....

............ “May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back. 

May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields. 

And until we meet again, May God hold you in the hollow of his hand.”