There are still a lot of times I am caught off guard, feel a sudden pang of shock and still go down the path of heart-wrenching disbelief and non-acceptance of the pain and loss... that I have to shake myself physically, open my eyes wide, breathe deeply in and out, let out a big cleansing sigh and force my mind to accept and get back to the present moment. And that present moment is the reality that Kibs has passed on and is not here anymore. There are moments when I think of Kibs as still alive and I have to call or talk to him about something and then realize it is not possible anymore. Out of the blue, a sudden thought or memory makes me think of Kibs like he was still alive. Those are the moments in time that catch me off-guard and so I have to shake myself out of it immediately after the initial shock of again realizing that he has died already. The heart will always remember our loved ones who have passed on and memories of them both bring us so much joy and also so much sadness...and those moments in time bring them back to us, even just for a short time. And there is always that "veil" we acquire and that will never leave us....no matter how much time and "moving on" and acceptance we have garnered for ourselves. That is the invisible veil of melancholy and subdued sadness that will shroud our being and will always show up once in awhile in our day to day lives.
And while cleaning out some house stuff last night, I saw pictures of his 2009 visit here and again could not believe that I will not see him again...that he is gone..etc. etc..etc... and that permament broken record/mantra repeats itself over and over again in my mind and heart again, 9 months after he has died. And in a way I could blame my brother for it a little. If he did not have such a disarming smile and was a sour and glum person, then I would not be missing him so much. :) But he was exactly the opposite and so he is to blame for not being a hard person to love and miss...:) I guess it is just because my best memory of my brother is his sunny, smiling and accepting facial smile expression everytime we see each other...and always with his upbeat and skippy walk. And if you look at pictures of him, he always has that signature sunny-upbeat-accepting smile plastered in his face! Now that he is gone, that image whether in pictures or in my mind, is exactly what gets to me! That is when the veil of sadness again descends on my shoulders silently and sleathily and shrouds me and again opens up and puts salt on a recovering grief-wounded heart. I now have made the invisible veil of sadness and remembrance an inanimate friend and companion of mine. Not that I enjoy its company, but since it will never go away anymore and will always descend on me once in awhile when remembering Kibs and his death, I have come to accept being shrouded with my veil now and then. This veil just lingers all around me and my family and to all those who loved and knew Kibs in his lifetime. When my sisters and I talk about Kibs now and reminisce or recount his life, we can now do it without tears but there will always be pauses and quiet moments in between our conversations and in my mind, I imagine the shroud and veil falling in between us. It is like a curtain falling down in front of you when a show ends. But for me, the good thing is that I also believe in the opposite motion of what ever comes down will always go up. And so the curtain and veil does go up and in my case, the moments of sadness do come so often but they also do not stay permanently. The veil does still open up to bright and sunny skies and smiles and laughter and funny and happy memories of Kibs.
When I look at pictures of him now, I still cannot reconcile the smiling-full-of-life Marlon/Kibs now gone and silenced. The acceptance of that truth and undeniable fact will always be a struggle to me. He was one of those people who saw the world as his oyster and a place he could conquer. He was always big on ideas and plans and projects and with his inquisitive mind, was open to anything under the sun, whether it was an idea, a belief, a project, or even a superstition. He was truly an "I-open-my-arms-to-the-world" kind of person. How can you not miss a person like that forever? In his short life, he indeed had his good times and bad times. We all go through our own heaven and hell periods in our lives here on earth...just like Kibs did. But I could imagine that even through his tough and bad periods, he still faced the day with acceptance and a sunny and smiling disposition. As they say, "you can't keep a good man down". But of course, his fate was to leave us on May 21, 2012. And that good man didn't stay down but instead went up to heaven. And he is so missed everyday...by me!
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