Who do you get your strength from?

People who know me well enough know that I can get hooked on watching TV series till the last episodes of each season or Pinoy teleseryes (Filipino television drama series) with mushy and dramatic stories. So it is no wonder that while watching one of my favorite teleseryes, I got stuck by a simple one-liner question gleaned from one of the episodes..."who do you get your strength from?" The lead actor and his family were going through a crisis and this lead actor emphasized that he was getting his strength to cope from his fiance (the lead actress).
Like all crises in our lives we weather and get through them with a combination of our own self fortitude and inner strength and of course from the support of our family and loved ones. And the one-liner question I asked myself was ...who do you get I get my strength from? And that is the person who has been the wind behind my wings since I was born....

Ohhhh, oh, oh, oh, ohhh.
It must have been cold there in my shadow,
To never have sunlight on your face.
You were content to let me shine, that's your way.
You always walked a step behind.
So I was the one with all the glory,
While you were the one with all the strength.

A beautiful face without a name for so long.
A beautiful smile to hide the pain.
Did you ever know that you're my hero,
And everything I would like to be?

I can fly higher than an eagle,
For you are the wind beneath my wings.
It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
But I've got it all here in my heart.

I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.
I would be nothing without you.

Did you ever know that you're my hero?
You're everything I wish I could be.
https://youtu.be/jorJh8DTMVM

Whenever I hear this Bette Midler song, it always takes me to my childhood days and how I was a total Daddy's girl and could not live a day without Daddy around. I remember crying myself to sleep when I thought of one day, Daddy dying and not being there for me anymore. It is funny to recall now how I created my own nightmare in my own head before I went to bed that I would lose Daddy. Such childhood and childish foolishness.

My Dad has always been my hero. I know that I get my strength from him and learned to handle and live life like him. He and Mom too are the sum total of who and what shaped me to be the person I am now. For that I am forever grateful to have such great and wonderful parents and am blessed to have been raised by these two special people. Mom is gone now but Dad is still with us, still living a meaningful 84 years made out from the unconditional love he has in his heart for all his loved ones; hard grit and hard experiences throughout his life, starting from his unhappy but very private childhood; to back breaking and tough jobs to support his kids, silent tears and internal unspoken heart breaks for when he sees his kids go through tough times and are in pain or in trouble. He has been through his own personal challenges both as a son, husband, father and grandfather. 

He is now 84, still hale and hearty, healthwise... but now drifts between remembering and forgetting people, events, memories and having a conversation with him now requires a lot of patience. He was someone who you could talk to about anything and everything under the sun. He used to read 5-6 newspapers a day, read books and Time magazine daily. He was a walking encyclopedia and always had an answer to every question. It was a marvel for someone new to meet and talk to Dad because he was a fascinating conversationalist who always had something interesting to say but at the same time was a keen and avid listener to the person he was in conversation with.  

I talk in the past tense with regards to some of Dad's attributes because he is now is in the twilight of his years and though is thankfully still healthy for his age, he has slowed down a lot and we all know that his time up on this earth is nearing.  While he is still with us, he will always be my angel without wings. But Dad was no saint and he had his own share of bad decisions. Who doesn't? But no matter the bad decisions Dad has made in his life and the consequences he is living in from those bad decisions, and even if he is not the strong, decisive person he was before old age faded all that, he will always be my hero and he will always be the wind beneath my wings. I would not have earned my wings, learned to fly and soar high if he was not beneath my wings to help, support, care and love me unconditionally as my father.

No rhyme or reason and questions without answers .....But life goes on to Mom's 4th death anniversary and my warrior son turning 28

I did this blog below "No Rhyme or reason..." 3 years ago but did not post it. So you will see a 3 year old unpublished blog that I just attached to this new blog.

Yesterday, April 30th was Mom's 4th death anniversary...it has been 4 years ago since Mom left this earthly world.

And yesterday morning while remembering the significance of yesterday's date, it just felt so fresh and still so raw like it was just the night before that she died in her sleep. It has been said that there are only 2 things that are constant in life; death and taxes. But I would add grief as the 3rd constant. The feeling of grief encompasses the unending sad heartache of loss and missing a loved one. It never gets old in the sense that the feeling of sadness and grief over not having your loved one around will always be with us and in our hearts till our deathbed. Time makes it easier but the waves of pain and longing can come and go strongly or as softly as they please. And Mom's 4th death anniversary was something that a bigger wave washed over me. I miss my Mom so much that my heart aches.

And May 21 is coming up too for Kibs 5th death anniversary. That is another tidal wave to muster and get through. April, May and July....these months are not really fans for my heart's health, with the exception of May 13th and Mother's Day because Anton was born on the week when Mother's Day falls upon. So every year, I might go through the usual grieving period for Mom's and Kibs' death anniversaries on April and May....but the one bright, shinning blessing in my life picked May 13th to be born. That to me is a constant too and Anton will forever be my greatest blessing and endless source of happiness.....and he is turning 28 this year! :) His birthday every year is my Mother's Day gift every year. So Advanced Happy Mother's Day to all blessed, loving and thankful Mothers like me!!!
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Late post - written in May 2014

April 30, 2014 came and went...it was a year  ago to that day when Mom had passed away. How time flies and it is a year since Mommy's death. And It will be 2 years on May 21st  since Kibs has been gone too . And every day, I miss them both a lot and always look up to the sky and talk to the both of them.

When Mommy was still alive, I seldom went home for lunch even if it was only a 3 minute drive from work. I figured she wanted her space from me and I also wanted my space from her since we were together most hours of the day when I am not at work, especially on weekends. A breather from each other, so to speak...And  it was not always easy being a care-giver taking care of Mom but Mom knew how much she was loved and cared for, not only by me but also by her other 2 daughters even if both of them were far away. And Mom had such a very patient, loving and super caring care-giver in Fe Labra which was our family's blessing,  and was good company at home for Mom while I was at work. So at that time, during workdays I spend more time out of the house if I got the chance while Fe was watching Mom at home. But now that Mommy is gone, I have been going home for lunch almost every day because I miss Mommy so much. I miss her quiet and serene presence at home sitting in her wheelchair, reading her prayer books or answering her crosswords or just watching her I Love Lucy reruns on TV.  And I guess this is how I am still grieving for Mom's passing... still imagining and seeing her at home doing her usual daily routines. But I know and feel how much Mom is now so happy and so at peace up there in heaven. She is finally home.

But the family challenges have not ended and it has been a tough 2013 with Anton's sudden medical crisis after Mom's death. I feel I have been to hell and back and then hell again! And so here comes in the title of this blog...no rhyme or reason and a question without an answer. I asked God, WHY ANTON????? My sweet, kind, smiling, big-hearted, loving, affectionate, amiable 24 year old son who was just living his life as normally as a 24 year old would....striving well to do well in college with the goal of graduating in 2 years time with a B.S. Computer Engineering degree, enjoying life and in love with the first serious girlfriend he had and just going about his daily life in Cebu. But just overnight on July 7, 2013, he got struck down with a spinal cord injury (SCI)! Why Anton???? And up to now, that is a question that has no answer....not for me, or for Anton or for the family. Thankfully he has survived the worst part of his medical crisis and is now on the road to recovery though it will take awhile for him to be back to normal. His father and I are just thankful that our son is still with us and is fighting and staying positive through all these.

And  May 13, 2014, my son turns 25! I could vividly remember that sunny day in 1989 when I gave birth to Anton at 10:30 am in Cebu Doctor's Hospital.  I was in labor for 2 days before he decided to come out into the world on May 13, 1989.  With Anton being paralyzed and immobile now, I am amazed at his positive attitude and his perseverance to get well. I call him my "warrior son" as he has been through a "big battle" in his life and handling it so well. He still has his "battle wounds/scars" so to speak but he is healing well and continue to improve, both in body and spirit. It will take a long time though before he fully recovers but just as long as everyday is a good day with progress, no matter how small, I am positive my warrior son will overcome all these.

With Anton's recent crisis, I personally felt and also saw the deepest and intense spirit of a parents' unconditional love for his/her child. As a parent, you would do anything without condition for your child's life....there are no if's and but's! Anton is an only child and both a Mama's boy and a Papa's boy but glad to say that  he is not a spoiled only child.  One thing that Bimboy and I have always been in agreement with was our deep and unconditional love for our son.  But as mother, there are no words to describe the heart wrenching despair of knowing your child is suffering. And all those early months when Anton's condition was critical and uncertain, my family and friends and friends of friends all came together to offer support and prayers and good healing thoughts for Anton's recovery.................
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