I did this blog below "No Rhyme or reason..." 3 years ago but did not post it. So you will see a 3 year old unpublished blog that I just attached to this new blog.
Yesterday, April 30th was Mom's 4th death anniversary...it has been 4 years ago since Mom left this earthly world.
And yesterday morning while remembering the significance of yesterday's date, it just felt so fresh and still so raw like it was just the night before that she died in her sleep. It has been said that there are only 2 things that are constant in life; death and taxes. But I would add grief as the 3rd constant. The feeling of grief encompasses the unending sad heartache of loss and missing a loved one. It never gets old in the sense that the feeling of sadness and grief over not having your loved one around will always be with us and in our hearts till our deathbed. Time makes it easier but the waves of pain and longing can come and go strongly or as softly as they please. And Mom's 4th death anniversary was something that a bigger wave washed over me. I miss my Mom so much that my heart aches.
And May 21 is coming up too for Kibs 5th death anniversary. That is another tidal wave to muster and get through. April, May and July....these months are not really fans for my heart's health, with the exception of May 13th and Mother's Day because Anton was born on the week when Mother's Day falls upon. So every year, I might go through the usual grieving period for Mom's and Kibs' death anniversaries on April and May....but the one bright, shinning blessing in my life picked May 13th to be born. That to me is a constant too and Anton will forever be my greatest blessing and endless source of happiness.....and he is turning 28 this year! :) His birthday every year is my Mother's Day gift every year. So Advanced Happy Mother's Day to all blessed, loving and thankful Mothers like me!!!
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Late post - written in May 2014
April 30, 2014 came and went...it was a year ago to that day when Mom had passed away. How time flies and it is a year since Mommy's death. And It will be 2 years on May 21st since Kibs has been gone too . And every day, I miss them both a lot and always look up to the sky and talk to the both of them.
When Mommy was still alive, I seldom went home for lunch even if it was only a 3 minute drive from work. I figured she wanted her space from me and I also wanted my space from her since we were together most hours of the day when I am not at work, especially on weekends. A breather from each other, so to speak...And it was not always easy being a care-giver taking care of Mom but Mom knew how much she was loved and cared for, not only by me but also by her other 2 daughters even if both of them were far away. And Mom had such a very patient, loving and super caring care-giver in Fe Labra which was our family's blessing, and was good company at home for Mom while I was at work. So at that time, during workdays I spend more time out of the house if I got the chance while Fe was watching Mom at home. But now that Mommy is gone, I have been going home for lunch almost every day because I miss Mommy so much. I miss her quiet and serene presence at home sitting in her wheelchair, reading her prayer books or answering her crosswords or just watching her I Love Lucy reruns on TV. And I guess this is how I am still grieving for Mom's passing... still imagining and seeing her at home doing her usual daily routines. But I know and feel how much Mom is now so happy and so at peace up there in heaven. She is finally home.
But the family challenges have not ended and it has been a tough 2013 with Anton's sudden medical crisis after Mom's death. I feel I have been to hell and back and then hell again! And so here comes in the title of this blog...no rhyme or reason and a question without an answer. I asked God, WHY ANTON????? My sweet, kind, smiling, big-hearted, loving, affectionate, amiable 24 year old son who was just living his life as normally as a 24 year old would....striving well to do well in college with the goal of graduating in 2 years time with a B.S. Computer Engineering degree, enjoying life and in love with the first serious girlfriend he had and just going about his daily life in Cebu. But just overnight on July 7, 2013, he got struck down with a spinal cord injury (SCI)! Why Anton???? And up to now, that is a question that has no answer....not for me, or for Anton or for the family. Thankfully he has survived the worst part of his medical crisis and is now on the road to recovery though it will take awhile for him to be back to normal. His father and I are just thankful that our son is still with us and is fighting and staying positive through all these.
And May 13, 2014, my son turns 25! I could vividly remember that sunny day in 1989 when I gave birth to Anton at 10:30 am in Cebu Doctor's Hospital. I was in labor for 2 days before he decided to come out into the world on May 13, 1989. With Anton being paralyzed and immobile now, I am amazed at his positive attitude and his perseverance to get well. I call him my "warrior son" as he has been through a "big battle" in his life and handling it so well. He still has his "battle wounds/scars" so to speak but he is healing well and continue to improve, both in body and spirit. It will take a long time though before he fully recovers but just as long as everyday is a good day with progress, no matter how small, I am positive my warrior son will overcome all these.
With Anton's recent crisis, I personally felt and also saw the deepest and intense spirit of a parents' unconditional love for his/her child. As a parent, you would do anything without condition for your child's life....there are no if's and but's! Anton is an only child and both a Mama's boy and a Papa's boy but glad to say that he is not a spoiled only child. One thing that Bimboy and I have always been in agreement with was our deep and unconditional love for our son. But as mother, there are no words to describe the heart wrenching despair of knowing your child is suffering. And all those early months when Anton's condition was critical and uncertain, my family and friends and friends of friends all came together to offer support and prayers and good healing thoughts for Anton's recovery.................
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